Life is a wayward path of painted pain;
Tears cry like salted, glittering grains
of ocean sand. My heavy heart can't stand
it anymore. Please, just hold my hand.
Please--Just don't walk out that door.
Life is a twisted trail of timid torments;
Hearts die like forever-lost laments
of woken dreams. My sundered soul can't seem
to breathe, anymore. Please, just don't leave.
Please--just don't walk out that door.
Life is a shattered soul; a scattered dream--
A lacerated heart with no awakening--
Please...
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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beautiful.
an introductory duplex was never better written. I loved these lines dear:
Life is a wayward path of painted pain;
Tears cry like salted, glittering grains
rest was equisite tos ay the least. Well done. Thanks for sharing.I am adding you as a fav and would request you to do likewise....BTW I have a fresh poem on my page..if you wanna to...
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Tears cried--fall like salted, glittering grains.
I think this sounds better, but other than that I have no suggestions to offer. Great work my friend. Damon
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its really well written..i liked it so much..i experienced those feelings oneday...thanks for sharing
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Nice job. I find that most people cannot pull off repeat lines. You did it very well in this poem. It flowed well from start to finish and conveyed the emotion well.
Mike
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I totally agree with Rick, it is great imagery. You are a great poet. Please keep up the good work and keep writing!
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liked it
This took me back to a younger time, a painful time and I felt the words instead of just reading them. I look forward to reading more of your work, as time allows. -
you create some great images in this poem driven by the anguish expressed. nice work getting the emotions on the page. i particularly like the last stanza.
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I really liked your use of alliteration. It is a very visual piece of art. Its easy to picture the scene that you're trying to get across. You did a great job, continue to grow.
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The truth is I can envision you pleading, begging the one you love to never leave and it caused my heart to stir. I am sure the emotions were intense while you wrote this and it is something that you have lived. I will look forward to reading more of your writings.
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This is a very impressive write--you have expressed pain and a desperate plea with honesty that is touching, and which I think many people can relate to. I look forward to reading more of your work. As far as revision on this, I am not one who has a short attention span, I appreciate poetry that is expansive, which rambles, explores, seeks truth in the realization that very few really meaningful things can be said in just a few words or phrases. I also dig poetry that has narrative elements, which tells a story, and I have a feeling there is more more to tell in regard to this particular piece. I hope you will tell it.
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Very good!
I can imagine someone sitting there needing that person to stay and they don't thus leaving
hopes and dreams broken and shattered.
Your very talented. Keep writing!
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This is a sad and painful plee; just don't walk out that door. I like that line, it really says so much. Good work!
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Wow. Really excellent. I love how you start with "Life is..." Its incredible! Excellent job! Keep writing!
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Hm this is pretty good. But the second line, I don't know but I think it would sound better as "Tears fall like salted, glittering grains of ocean sand. My heavy heart can't take it anymore." I think that'd sound better, but that's just my opinion. I think the lines are cut a little short for some, but it still sounds good. I like it. If ya don't want to change it, it won't hurt it... because it's amazing the way it is!!! keep up your amazing work!
Shadoweyes -
Short yet pithy and potent piece of poetry that reads much like a lyric. A fine and most poignant lover's lament, with some very fine rhyme and meter throughtout. I enjoyed it a great deal....
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WOW!!!
"Hearts die like forever-lost laments
of woken dreams. My sundered soul can't seem
to breathe, anymore...."
How true this sounds....and the wording is just beautiful...
Just one word...WOW....
XXJeannette
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Talent you have talent....keep writing!
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Nice rhyme scheme. Great vocab....
wow i really suck at this commenting thing........ >.> -
great!
I liked the words that you used..its very fascinating..keep it up!
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Sent on a phone using T9space.com -
Excellent poem you have here. I really like the rhyme scheme and structure of the piece. I especially loved the line "A lacerated heart with no awakening--" Great job
-Steve-
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