May we slip quietly into history just like we should have...
long since due and long ago.
Float on, faded paper fragments-
torn and tossed away into the rhythm of the breeze
that blows only for the pure, the un-haunted and absolved.
May we rest in peace
as we wait out the duration-
a few more bitter little days
of paper promises that will remain
beyond their expiration...
May not another word be spoken between us
like the twisted tongue of deshavu
nor another judgement fall
over the guilted innocent.
May the distance between us be more than miles,
not mere roads traveled- redundantly memorized
or foggy faces glimpsing through coincidence...
But in dreams and thoughts and flashback eyes
may you desolve as "we" becomes "I".
May the past be passed away
and never remembered again
for it is not worthy of memorial prayers...
So in disbelif of all that's done
long ago yet long since due...
I whisper just as you
the prayers of the paranoid.
Author notes
If this piece makes little sense to you then you read it correctly.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Quite a nice read... It made me think of a separation where one party is not accepting the fact and the other has long since moved on. Love that 3rd stanza- "bitter little days" etc.
I thought this was well written, and not nearly as nonsensical as you had hoped, in the fact that I could see multiple readers gleaning multiple meanings from it. I will read you in the future.
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Thank you for the read!
I am "paraniod" that most of my writing only makes sense to me. This is why I decided to just be honest about it this time and put a little disclaimer at the end of this piece.
I hope for sense... but I thrive on nonsense. Does that make sense?
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Some days
you think that your shadow is casting you
sometimes you know it is true
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That's a great line.
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I should credit Waren Zevon
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wow
that was so effotlessly stated..and so helpfully also...bury the apst...you meant the strife and troubles that it hid particularly guess. a very nice and flowing poem which i liked immensely to read. Keep penning..and...BTW i did not see ya here for long now. -
"May the distance between us be more than miles,
not mere roads traveled- redundantly memorized
or foggy faces glimpsing through coincidence..."
this bit and the title were my favorite.
"the guilted innocent" also struck me.... its a punchy phrase
overall i think your poem has a lot of atmosphere, but... i wasn't sucked in. i think its lacking in flow. a lot of good ideas, just not welded together all the way. maybe like sinfull said about the linebreaks, or maybe try to play on the sounds of the words the way you already have with imagery.
anyhow... hope you enjoyed writing! -
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Thank you for your advice on this piece.
I'm in the process of working on "flow" right now. I've been stuck in rut with a certain meter and sound for so long that undoing it is proving to be quite difficult. This piece is just the beginning attempts at creating a smoother read.
If you have any other advice on creating flow I'd appreciate hearing it.
Thanks again for reading and commenting!
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A universal poem...well-done
A cutting comment(verse) on the way most relationships end...slowly, painfully...and long over-due. On reading this I (paranoid) wondered if you are my soon-to-be-ex... Relatable message . Your poem makes sense to me...and I'm certain I read it correctly! Did you try doing with less line breaks in this? It just seems some are more for "the look" than the flow. As A whole I like the presentation/form. The speaker's tone is one of acceptance and that implies moving on. Good pen
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I'm happy to hear that you found a personal meaning to my words. That is one of the compliments I love to hear more than the others. I desire to touch people on a personal level with each write, and I'm glad I was able to do this.
The line breaks... well, they are more a bad habit than "for looks". I tend to break up each of my pieces in a similiar way for reasons I'm not entirely certain about. Once I learned how to write a sonnet I started placing odd breaks (not even four line stanzas) in poems that did not require them... trying to keep in mind now... not every poem is a sonnet.
Thank you for reading and taking time to comment.
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Vry intersting ideas in here! The paranoid do have a worse time than the rest of us, don't they?
On a critical note, in line 7 you spelled "duration" with an "i". I'm also a little confused about what you mean by the "guilted innocent" in line 14. I suppose you mean to say that they are intended to appear guilty, by those who are paranoid that they are guilty, and that they have been wronged by these people who are actually innocent? I'm not really sure, anyway nice job on the poem; I hope you can clear those areas up for me
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Ah, yeah... Spelling is one of the weak spots in my writing (poor public education, I suppose.) Thank you for the correction. I appreciate it.
As for the "guilted innocent"... You nearly hit the nail, so to speak. It is indeed just as you say... the true innocent is the one they lay the guilt upon. I'm amazed you were able to sort through that phrase.
Thanks so much for taking the time to not only read this but to help improve it.
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I really like this it has a peace and calming effect. Skitzos have been in and out of my life and I once was a parinoid person that some one was always out to get me, thats rhe way it felt until I got help. Thank you for sharing I liked this it was a good remember when for me. Thank you
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And thank you... I like your feed-back on this write.
Some people are paranoid for no reason at all and these are the "skitzos". Then there are those whose life experiences have made them paranoid... they are the ones who, in my opinion, need quite a bit more help to overcome a kind of post traumatic stress.
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Most Interesting
Since I know well a few paranoid and even skitzos in my life, I love your work. I see no need for any revision. Take care and keep your muse busy.
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Well, not only have I known my share of skitzos, paranoids, lunatics, ect... but I had the great pleasure of joining them in their altered world for quite a few years. I like that you can see this peeking out through my writing.
Thanks for reading.
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Wow I really like this! Peaceful and well written, the tone is beautiful and the flow mathes it well!
Thanks for sharing, keep writing!
x
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
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