Your Unseen Letter

I'm not brave enough to say the things I need to say.
Not good enough to look you in the eyes.
I've written to you a thousand times and now I write once more.
This is your unseen letter.

After all these years, to me its clear,
That I'll never be what you want me to be.
We've both said things we never meant,
But I was only 7 when you broke my heart.

I was only a child when you blamed me for something not even you could control.
You can deny it all you want but we both know what was said.
Your actions spoke louder than words when you wouldn't let me see mum.
I know you were hurting but sending me away just couldn't be the answer.

I needed to know what you were feeling to see your pain.
I know you didn't share them with my sister but at least she was near enough to see,
Old enough to hear and maybe understand.
You always locked your emotions away from me.

It wasn't until recently I came to understand why.
I thought you didn't care back then, wondered why you never showed me any love.
But now I understand you can't show me when I remind you so much of her.
When I've grown up to meet my worst fear and slowly turned into mum. 

Maybe your scared like me that I'll follow in her footsteps,
Disappointed in me when I accidentally slip and fall into her despair.
I wish I could make you understand for both of us that it's not our fault.
It's beyond our control and there's nothing more we can do to hold on.

I wish you could be here for me when I need you most.
But I understand why you can't.
I wish I could share my thoughts and feelings with mum.
I hope she understands why I don't.

I don't want to burden you with my pain, my uncertainty, my fears,
Although at the moment I wish I could.
It's taken twenty years to recognise her symptoms within my self.
Perhaps if you'd tried to explain I could've gotten help sooner.

I understand why you didn't though and I need you to know that I love you.
I can't blame you for not wanting to talk about the past,
When even my mind has tried to shield me.
And I cannot lie and say I do not love you for trying to protect me.

But I will not burden you and tell you how I feel,
I now understand how dealing with the past has drained you.
But I wish I could say thank you. For staying with mum and taking care of her.
I know a difficult child like me was the last thing you needed.

And I wish I knew that telling you the truth could help you understand,
That knowing I'm defective and not just a troublemaker would make you love me.
But in my heart I know you could never accept me.
So I'll stay quiet and keep my pain to myself.

And so I'll keep this letter to myself,
The past I'll bury in my own shallow grave.
This is your unseen letter,
The last epitaph of your doomed daughter.

This is your unseen letter.