No wonder your white
Feeling under the weather
Your smoking that shite
Your not acting clever..
No wonder your white
Feeling under the weather
Your smoking that shite
Your not acting clever..
I know he wrote the pens mightier than the sword
But you’ll need more round here
There’s bloody shotgun all sorts
A faintly sad whimper
Echoes from the back-street
Walks out a saintly young lad
Sold his last gear to old Pete..
I know I wrote the hands mightier than them words
But ill regret all my actions
I'm sounding disturbed
In greatly large measures
The clown takes its pleasures
Hey matey don’t smoke that
Your not acting clever
Hey matey don’t smoke that
You wont last forever.
Comments
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i did enjoy the read. it's bit funny but u still can say u'r not joking. if you know how it feels to smoke that shite, you will understand..............
wow, i'm creating some rhyme or what ;-)))
well done
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In the first line, I think you meant "you're".
Same with the third, fourth, fifth, seventh, and eighth. "You're" means "You are," It's a pretty important distinction.
Ignoring the rest of the grammar mistakes, I really like the contradiction with the line "I know I wrote the hand's mightier than them words". I feel like that works a lot and is probably one of the strongest moments in this piece.
I don't know where the clown thing came from, but I think he should go back there. That's really distracting, and unless you have a specific reason which I'm just not getting, unnecessary. -
"Your". 'You're'. Your is possessive and you're is 'you are'- contraction.
"hands mightier than them words"- 'those'.
"greatly large" -redundant language.
The telling approach seemed a little pretentious and the overall was a little lacking in perspective; almost superficial.
If you did a quick scan before posting then you'd probably notice those little grammatical errors. They aren't major but it does give the poem a very unprofessional finish.
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