softly, barefooted,
on the terrace tonight-
the moon
(Revised)
softly, barefoot,
on the terrace tonight-
the moon
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop-Fragments and Phrase by azure85.
1750 points, ended August 23, 55 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
does this work as fragment and phrase?
Comments
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light as a feather!
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Oops - a clap or two
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Lovely - could I suggest just 'barefoot'
softly barefoot
on the terrace tonight -
the moon
Fantastic image here, serene and silent with a hint of romance. You are so good at these light, wispy, ethereal haiku
Alan -
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Suggestion taken.Not only "barefoot" sounds better, (the "-ed" was somewhat khatkaoing in the ears), but it also takes one syllable away.
Thanks so much. Glad you liked it.
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softly, barefooted,
on the terrace tonight-
the moon
Yes, it works well as a fragment and phrase. I like in L1 you used a comma after "softly" you probably thought of that if you should. Please leave as is, because it gives a great pause to the beginning thought-as you go out onto the terrace, the moon is there. And it adds a secondary meaning, so much fun to bring out in haiku, of the moon itself. (without using personification, since the image is there, he-he haijin know how to do this!)
Lovely thoughts and I enjoy haiku about the moon and celestial sights alot, thank you for this beautiful haiku.
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Hello susie, it's amazing how you put your finger just right on the sore spot! I was indeed worried about that comma, but now that you've explained and analysed the whole thing,...well, i am at peace now! Thanks so much for your help.
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