Man of the woods,
When you are near,
I need you close by my side.
In troubled times we need you here,
To watch all of us.
Watch over us when we go upriver,
Near the raging springs.
Man of the woods we know your here.
We can feel you in the wind ,
When it passes us by.
In a list
Feedback Especially from Dani.
Comments
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ok... you want help with it?.... hmm lets see, it's ok, not great just ok for now since I know your gonna revise it any way
you need more emotive language in there, your phrases need to be sharper, more in depth, paint us a picture....
also your style it a little... err.... iffy.... maybe fix that up two, you started off great, that first chunk is a good start, have 3 lines per section, a small flash per paragraph eg.
"Rising moon over the hills
glowing a white chill
Is night so near?
First peeking star
like a flake of snow
breaking in the darkness to your command
Sun run away
hide beneath the horizon
and give way to night seduction,"
see what i mean?
yes I know I made it up on the spot but I might refine that myself and use it latter but you get the idea, paint a picture, you dont need great Literature, or a big gramma range, you just need to play with what you've got, lert your mind go and your fingers follow, your thinking on your words too much
but other than that thats a good starter point Jared, keep it up
(btw, i'm not the best poet out there, make friends with someone who is more experienced, they'll be able to help you more)
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