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Amanda

A little    stupid little
Glittery                        butterfly
Tattooed it's name across my chest
                  left a teeny tiny hole in my arm I just knew I had to crawl in

Rise  p in the morning
      u
Push a little sweet morphine tea to get me goin again
                                      daddy
Tell me        did you think of            him again while you cooked up your
                        fucking lovely personality
Put your face on it's time to go out
sexy shoes                    bangles to hide the scars
                  short dress                                        shades to hide your eyes
oh yes
oh so lovely once again....heres the sharp you were lookin for earlier
already loaded and ready to go                                now fucking act like it
                                                  you've got the look

Don't cry lovely....all skin and bones    we simply can't have that
                      you'll ruin your eyeliner

Dont' worry about me darling I'll love you forever until our morphine runs out
....now whoes a good girl?

Author notes

Ahhh....the memories

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    November 17
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm. This has definite potential but it needs to be tightened up a little & red-inked. The double use of little in the first line is distracting. I would pick one or the other but not both. Also, in line three you've used it's but you should have used its instead.

    I love the idea of morphine tea, the concept is fairly unusual & it actually sounds tasty!

    While it's not completely necessary to use proper contractions in a dirty pretty poem, I find it distracting that you didn't. For instance, in line fifteen you have used heres where here is or here's would have been better. Also, in the same line, you stated "heres the sharp you were lookin for earlier" and I'm not sure what you meant by sharp. Is there a word missing perhaps? Lastly, whoes in the last line should be who's.

    This is not really a dirty pretty work if you review the typography alone. I think you could add some more creative flair to really bring it to the true fashion of dirty pretty but the subject matter was provocative enough to carry the piece over the line.

    Thank you for your entry & best of luck in the contest.

    - Bean Sidhe


    • JaydinC
      November 18
      ?
      Edit | Reply

      Awesome

      wow...seriously thank you for the awesome comment. I don't really have much experience in DP and that bit there is really gonna help me the next time around. I don't really recall consciously writing this (I was a bit high) but in any case I have vowed to stop throwing away my stuff. Grammar and stuff didn't even come to mind writing this (not a whole lot did I'm afraid) and I can see where you're coming from. It is distracting.
      But to your question, I don't know where you're from but here in the dirrteh streets of souf dallas a 'sharp' is a druggie term for an intravenous needle, and when it's 'loaded' it has the drug of choice (Heroin, Meth, Cocaine etc) in it. And you really can make Morphine Tea, it's a whole lot cheaper and if you do it right you can get buzzed for a lot longer than normal with it.
      so once again thank you for your most awesome and much needed critique


  • scribbleheart
    August 14
    Edit | Reply
    thats cool.
    I cant write dirty pretty, so i cant really give any advice.
    well done.


  • AbidoodleCullen
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    (:
    Thanks for entering and good luck!
    ~Abi