See that man
Under his umbrella
He is all alone
Under his burdens
No one knows
No one cares
They look at him
No words spoken
No actions done
See that man
Under his umbrella
He is hurting
Under pasts weight
He just stands there
Alone every day
He sparks no conversation
Just looks down below
Cause above is pain
Crushing him slow
See that man
Under his umbrella
He is in pain
No one can help him
He won't escape his fate
Author notes
Photo 5: "don't you eat that yellow snow" by BobRock99
A contest entry
- Click 46. by perfectsunset.
625 points, ended August 27, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
So, any thoughts on this?
Comments
-
Pretty good!
Hi, this was very angsty and you can almost feel the man under the umbrella's pain. Like everyone has felt that way at one point in time, which makes it relateable. I really liked that last line. Only thing I suggest is the second stanza, instead of committed, maybe find a different word. It seems a bit out of place. Good job!
-
This was good, I can see you put in
effort, but just not what I was looking
for here. I felt it could impact the
reader more if you use less repitition
of 'see that man under his umbrella'
and more imagery/metaphors.
But I did enjoy reading.
Best of luck & thanks for entering
-
Wow, nicely done bro. Though I may have found one thing that may need editing. Third stanza, last line, seems as though pasts should be posessive.
Great poem, kudos! ^_^
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