Writer's Block

I was born with a creativity disorder. But the disorder I have doesn’t hinder my creativity, it elevates it. To put it in layman’s terms, life through my eyes is like being on an acid trip 24/7. I live in sort of a hyperreality. Everything in my eyes is magnified, and drawn out. My senses are heightened and I can experience things to the fullest. When I play music, every note is a different feeling to me, an extreme type of encounter. When I see the environment around me, I notice every detail and it’s hidden meaning. I see people from the inside out. People’s emotions hide in the lines of their faces, and I can read every thought that crosses behind their deceiving eyes. Outside appearances matter not to me, it’s their entity inside that reaches out to me. But this hyperreality is overwhelming and too much to control for a human’s thinking capacity. I write and play music as an outlet for all the creativity cluttering my head, because if I don’t, I lose control. And when control is lost, hyperreality takes over, and all visible sense is lost. I can tap into this endless source of creativity whenever I want, but if I ever let it reign, my mind would be beyond damaged.

I’m currently suffering from writer’s block. When writer’s block occurs for me, it’s a slip on my control. And if I don’t fix it fast and take the reigns again, I may not be able to find them. What causes the slip is usually a distraction in my life; someone I want but can‘t have, dangling just out of my reach. When I‘m distracted and losing control, the feeling that occurs is so horribly awful. It feels like a daunting amount of pressure is holding back my thoughts, oppressing their opinions. It’s a crushing feeling, like I can’t breathe because there’s so much weight on my lungs, and my head feels like it’s about to explode. And no matter what I do, I can’t get anything out on paper.

Normally, I can shut the distraction out and regain control, but this time it’s different. I’m panicking because the feeling is different this time. This time it’s wanted, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have my control back again, because a part of me wants to willingly give it away. It’s so unbearably painful, because there are two sides of my mind fighting each other, and the side that will damage me the most is winning. I’m quickly losing control, and no matter what I do, the reigns keep on slipping out of my hands. I feel like they’re being yanked away from me; they sit there tauntingly and when I reach over to grab them, they’re suddenly pulled out of reach. And the hands that hold them is the distraction causing this slip of control. I can’t concentrate on writing, because all I can think about is him, and how much I miss him, and how the way he looks at me makes my heart melt, and how I just want to be in his arms forever, and all the little things you think about when you‘re in love. I chase this distraction and wonder if he’ll ever realize how much of me belongs to him. The further I chase this distraction, the further my control slips away. With any other distraction I’ve had in the past, I would just shut it out and regain control on my reality. But with this new distraction, I wonder if this will be the last time I ever hold these reigns again.