The Moment

Another sleepless night reigns, but insomnia is not the culprit. My victimized pen is being sucked dry and a countless amount of paper drenched black with ink. All I have to show for this waning night are hearts drawn with his name scribbled next to mine. ‘Love me’ these hearts beat in a futile effort. I wish I could drown myself in the very ink that sealed these paper’s fate. My hands folds across my stomach as I lay in bed, looking up at the patterned ceiling, deeply lost in devouring thought.

A memory surfaces of a night we spent together; oh how he kept me so close. He held me firm against the bed as if he were clinging on to his last piece of hope. His body was so deeply familiar, there was a vast amount of memories behind the way he held me. I thought of our love, running just as deep and as strong alongside these memories, and my eyes brimmed with tears. What was built between us is so complex, changing, and alive. The love ebbs and flows, it sprang forward from nothing and sometimes retreats back into that nothing. But then it comes back fuller and faster and I don’t know what to do with it. This feeling is so ethereal, so unbelievable, so infinite. And the happiness it brings is indescribable. It comes at the simplest of times, like when I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. While I’m shifting under the blankets, trying to fall back asleep, I feel heat radiating off of the person lying next to me. And when I turn around and see him in his most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state, pure bliss envelops me. His breath hovers lightly, as though all the weight has been taken out, and I feel elated and high. I smile and kiss his face in the gentlest of manners so as not to wake him, and then turn back around, grinning giddily, floating. And then just as I turn around, I feel an arm wrap around my waist, and I know it doesn’t get any better than this.

Reminiscing on those memories, I look out on my balcony and watch the street below. The nighttime adds a certain flavor to the world, and emotion burns in the air like incense. My eyes wander, and find a couple walking along in summer’s nighttime glow. Fireflies dance curiously around the two, lighting up the stage. Her hand was entwined perfectly with his. The way their fingers curled around one another’s, curled my stomach into knots. They walked with a certain rhythm, dancing to the love song created by the echo of their footsteps. Her hips maintained a divine sensuous sway that simply screamed devotion. Love, in all it’s forms and intoxications, had been created with an intensity that animated and modeled her chosen body. There was not a single step, or gesture, not a tremor, not a crease of her dress, not of ripple of her hair, or wrinkle of her eyebrows that did not cry out of love, that did not ooze love, that did not lavish love on every being around her. His body echoed her movements and countered her steps. Their bodies meshed perfectly into one. Oh how I knew these feelings darting through the midnight air, how I wished to dance that sacred love-dance with my significant other.

While watching this dance so delicately performed, a thought wriggles through my mind, about calling him to share with him a song of my own. A voice in the back of my mind says, ‘No. he’ll only laugh. He’ll take you for a sap and dismiss your foolishness.’ But this voice is a voice of insecurity and I know those are lies that it spouts from it’s cold withered lips. I know that if I told him about this love-dance, he wouldn’t laugh, or dismiss it as foolishness. He wouldn’t hold it against me in any way, but create a song of our own for us to sashay to. I would press my shaking body against his, and look deep into his eyes, visiting his hopes and dreams laid out in the retinas, enclosed by the soul. And then he would kiss me. Truly kiss me. And that moment would occur, the moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only things in focus are you and him. In this moment, you realize that he is the only person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life and you suddenly want it to be the rest of your life already, you want to live, and live with him. This one moment you feel like you‘re high on every drug combined, and that if you don‘t come down soon, you‘ll be lost in the high forever. And it makes you want to laugh, and cry, and scream out because you feel so incredibly lucky that you found it, you found love, you found him and you’re so unbelievably happy you’re with him and so scared that this feeling will go away at the same time. You feel so dizzy you can‘t see straight and you‘re floating weightlessly in his arms. That moment. That moment is what destroys all skepticism, it’s what gives you the belief that you have a purpose on this planet, that you have a reason to live.

That moment is what my heart cries out for on these empty forlorn nights.