The reverberation of heaven’s cannon sounds in the distance
As smoky billows develop across a battlefield on the horizon.
Heavy mists of anticipation hang low over the trenches
As songs of cadence are sung by the wind among tree branches.
The crack of atmospheric armaments echo off canyon walls
As luminous missiles go streaking through the stratosphere.
Munitions of liquidity pelt against armored fortress
As unseasoned soldiers peer through crystal portals.
Security of position is communicated through the ranks
By weathered wartime veterans standing at their side.
Young recruits rest easy as they bunk down for the night.
Rhythm of nature’s weaponry has become a lullaby.
Author notes
The sounds of war on a humid summer night.
In a list
A contest entry
- Favorites!!!/ScarredButBeautiful by borrowing.moonlight.
450 points, ended August 10, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Can you see the thunderstorm through the sounds of war?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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The lines flowed beautifully with metaphor. Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest. Excellent work and the best of luck to you. Congrats on the silver trophy
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thanks for entering
I am a sucker for anything vaguely historical, and this has an echo of world war one. I felt you got a bit bogged down in physical sense description, and though most of it was beautiful, I'd suggest using extended metaphor or some more cryptic symbolism to portray this poem in a 'third dimension' if you like (:
love the idea, vocabulary and form though.
good luck! -
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Help me out please
I'm very new to poetry writing so I'm not familiar with terms etc. Did you think the poem was about war? It was about a thunderstorm using wartime metaphors to describe it. I'm afraid I have no idea what an extended metaphor is or what a third dimension would be. Would love any help you can give to increasing my understanding if you have time. Thanks. -
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Oh okay, that makes more sense! An extended metaphor, using this poem as an example, would be the use of machinery to describe thunder, for example. You take a normal metaphor and run with it through the entire piece. I would suggest grouping it into three groups of four lines, to give it more form and shape visually, and then try using some 'enjambment', where your sentence runs over the line, for example:
my heart thuds like a bolt being slid
across, la la la la etc.
If you really want to make it more clear it is a storm, I'd add a shorter last stanza something along the lines of:
and then I blink once, heavily. The war before
me is gone, and I see nothing more than a foggy
landscape, through a sheet of precision driven rain.
That was a rough quick thing, but something like that would tie in your whole poem, add a surprise twist to the end and make it clear your poem is a storm, not a literal war. The lack of a fourth line (if you're grouping them in four lined stanzas, ie verses) makes the poem seem unfinished almost, leaving the reader to subconsciously fill in their own last line, and leaving a lasting impact.
I'm not the most qualified person to ask, I'm only 16, but I hope I've helped or given you ideas, and feel free to contact me with any questions or if you want more help developing this little jem (: -
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Thanks for the tutorial
Age is really irrelevant when it comes to sharing knowledge. In this area it appears you have much more knowledge and experience than this older lady. I've only been writing and reading poetry for about 4 months.
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Ah, yes. You have won my heart over with this piece. A beautifullly written poem about war and its affects. It has a touch of peace that rings through your words even though you are communicating a battle taking place. You definately captured the moment and the last two lines really put the poem to rest. wonderfully done and thank you so much for entering and the best in the contest. A finalist.
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This poem is not about war, sorry.
It's been awhile since you made the comment but thought I should clarify since others may assume based on your comment. The poem is about a thunderstorm using wartime images as metaphors.
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thats some pretty spectacular alliteration. i'm impressed!!!
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WONERFUL
very good very origanal i loved it it was an amazing image running throgh my head it was beautiful
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Wonderful
You capture the prompt so well. A terrific write. So very well expressed. Best of luck in the contest.
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