Dear lonely girl,
Breathe in the moment and
sigh brushstroke clouds across sunsets;
relax and sink into the world as it is;
for you break hourglasses and
toss the sand over your shoulder
on the back of wind, so it will
etch your face between the eyelashes
of a prince before he goes to sleep.
Dear girl in love,
Your tree-root fingers
entwine with his as tender feelings
plant upon his shoulders.
He sucks berry nectar from your lips
and the virtue you balance atop your head
teeters left of where you stand.
Higher and higher
your hot air balloon heart
rises, the flames igniting evermore.
Dear heartbroken girl,
You take the train
there and back again,
gazing out the window
as blending shapes and lines blur images;
you see indigo trees with periwinkle leaves
and point them out to passengers
who whisper questions of sanity,
for you swear
grass was never green
Dear attached girl,
People say you finally reached the platform
yet you spray paint pictures of twisted nature on
tunnel walls and ticket stubs line the pockets
of your favorite jeans.
The conductor still saves your favorite seat
and tells your story to a girl who
tastes like tangerines and has
buttercups for eyes.
Dear mourning girl,
He stares beside you, behind you and
through you; you’re a leaf in his hair, dirt
under his fingernails.
Dear dawning girl,
Sell broken teacups at
a garage sale but save one
porcelain handle,
prune dying primrose plants;
migrating birds move on to warmer climates
but still remember from where they came.
Author notes
This was great to write. I've been doing a lot of prose lately, so this was a nice ease back into the free verse world. It was great, I just sat down at a table outside at Starbucks and just wrote. I just jumped right back into my writing process and it feels great.
My greatest difficulties were the same as always, too haha. Mostly line breaking and naming this baby. Hate the title, as always haha but especially for this particular piece. I really like this a lot, actually, no matter what. I think it sums up and closes this topic for me completely and perfectly, nothing could capture this well. The title in English is "Letters to myself" which is lame and stupid and ridiculously boring. I like it in French better but...I don't know. I can't think of anything else. I know it's a misleading title, people were probably expecting French 
and I'm rambling.....but.....ahhh. I love this. No title is worthy and to call it untitled is just lame.
A contest entry
- Eightfold Invitational #1 by sideways hourglass.
500 points, ended August 13, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just make it amazing! by X.brokenlover.X.
977 points, ended November 18, 299 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments and critiques are encouraged.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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wow this is amazing. I feel like I relate to all of them, but each in her own way. Kind of deep and emotional.
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I thought your opening letter was written very well, beautifully.
The second one was strong too. I like the hot air balloon image. The transition from "where you stand" to the heart moving worked well for me...it was a clever way to show progression.
"Dear attached girl" was stellar with a load of originality - and even the bit at the end has potential to be cliche, but it actually worked for me...considering the context in which it was used.
"Dear mourning girl" was good, but the gum on shoe image is not only an image you have used before - in another poem - but the image wasn't necessary because you said the same thing three times; just with different images. I think it works with the first two - I think interpretation could find the "leaf in hair" and "dirt under fingernails" images to have different meanings. As for the "gum on shoe" I would suggest to scrap it because that section is more pointed without it.
I thought the sentiment at the end was powerful, leaving a strong impact on me, not only through sadness but with thoughtfulness as well.
This could use some polish, but I thought what you have here is one of the best you have written in a while. Since I have last read your writing, you've improved, based on what I remember. I like this a lot.
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Bah. I didn't realize I've used the gum image before. Figures, it was in a poem of mine you've read before, too. I'll scrap it.
I'm really glad you like it!!!! I really enjoyed writing it and I'm pretty proud of it! Thanks for the inspirational assignment.
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the many roundabounts of love and loss... love the mood you set with each "dear ..." seems to give the whole write a timeline of sorts, and helps the reader to understand the mood of the moment... your imagery is great, not too over powering...
agree with you on your line spacing... and just think you need to give more thought as to where your pauses on each line would add the most effect
e.g
"You take the train
there and back again,
gazing out the window
as blending shapes and lines blur images;
you see indigo trees with periwinkle leaves
and point them out to passengers
who whisper questions of sanity,
for you swear
grass was never green."
this is how I would have personally spaced this particular vignette...
Enjoyed reading this, and wish you much luck in the contest
Rob.
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Thank you for your suggestion on the line breaking!!! I'm terrible at it lol I drive myself mad with it, redoing it over and over again until it all just seems the same to me. I did have a lot of trouble with specifically with that vignette and the way you did it is perfect, thanks so much for the help with that!! I really appreciate it!!!
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