There’s a tissue of fears
dripping like backwash
through muddy veins.
I saw it all in a Polaroid
dancing in curb streams,
towards distant gutters.
How stagnant you were
immortalized; a soiled
black and white invention.
Too bad Reebok’s sole
kissed your gestures.
I would have liked to.
But I’m on holiday
far away from sewage;
sparkling like diamonds.
Author notes
The background on this page was created by
http://allpoetry.com/The%20Fun%20House
In a list
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
nice.
-
Ouch!
Hmmm.....I would NOT want to be the person you wrote this about! I'm not sure as to what has changed since you wrote the piece. Personally, I like it the way it is. I suppose it's possible that there is a bit of ambiguity sprinkled throughout the piece but, for me, that allows me to interpret it through my own experiences, allowing me to relate to it a bit more personally than if it WAS all black and white.
You wrote some great phrases here. Thanks for allowing me the flexibility to see what I choose to see in them. :-)
-
I don't know if you've tweeked this as you mentioned in a couple of your remarks below but it's perfect as it is now.
The metaphore here is well used, bringing the poem to life with meaning and all that dust
A wonderful addition to your repertoire.
Dee
-
w00t gypsy this is awesome
lovely metaphors throughout this one
beautifully done
welcome back to the land of the writing
hehe
Tasha
-
excellent
Love the images and metaphors in this one sweetie
Need to do some catching up with you
Hope you come read my lastest..its a mix and match different for sure LOL
Hugs
Susan~~~
-
Wow, I loved this! It was simple, yet you used a great vocabulary which really added to the poem.
"Too bad Reebok’s sole
kissed your gestures.
I would have liked to."
Yep, that was definitely my favorite part. You showed the desires, and added some nice emotion to the poem.
This was an overall lovely poem =] thank you for sharing.
You should have entered this in a contest, you would have won gold! I bet you would. You're a truly amazing poet.
~Kera
-
I suck at helpin so whatever theys aid LOL
any ways I like the fele to the poem and the flow is quite nice too. your first couple stanzas were mighty beautiful and powerful and then I was slightly lost after that. your poem took a turn and well mad eme think of this write in many different ways. overall I do like the depth and beauty you bring to this write and I enjoyed reading it. any ways nice work and keep up the good writing as always. Tiger
-
-
Yes, that second part I want to tweak a bit tomorrow. I makes sense to me because I wrote it but I can see where it needs some definition for everyone else I'm just happy to write something at all at the moment, I will fix it
-
-
Well, when you said you were going to dust off your muse, you did just that. As you did with the notion in these lines. A very strong, although obscure write, that means reading past the image, then you feel a release of something no longer needed, and the future found in a brighter aura. Brilliant. jut as it is.
-
-
Thanks Mike. I do want to tweak it a bit thought when I am not so tired.
-
-
There's a definite rawness; it has the potential to be amazing. I think what you need to focus on actually is the imagery and diction. The pace is great, but I think actually if you had less wordage going on, it'd connect to the reader better.
This is my English degree speaking! -
-
Thanks. I agree it need some work. Figured I would sleep on it.
-
-
from here on down, it all disconnects for me, the reader:
"black and white invention.
Too bad Reebok’s sole
kissed your gestures.
I would have liked to.
But I’m on holiday
far away from sewage;
sparkling like diamonds."
The first two stanzas are lovely. I wouldn't touch them. Actually, a great way to edit is to just go outside in the middle of the night and just feel.
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
