Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

I Walk Alone

I walk alone,
I pronounce my own name.
I cannot see you-
Your just beyond my fingertips.
I walk alone.
My thoughts are just remissions-
I dream of nothing,
Everything lovely is in this moment.
I walk alone.
The nights glow defines my path.
I forgot how to move,
I wish to assume my fate.
I walk alone.

A contest entry

I just want any input you could give me. ;)

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Antebellum
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    "My thoughts are just remissions-
    I dream of nothing,
    Everything lovely is in this moment.
    I walk alone."


    This part is stunning.
    I love the origionality in this.
    thanks for taking the time to enter,
    good luck


  • Xavier X
    August 20

    Edit | Reply

    Lovely

    I really like this. The rhythm is good.
    It is full of mystery and tenderness. The repetitions work very well and i can imagine it being spoken aloud.
    There is deepness too in the thoughts of loveliness being present right now ...and more than a hint that walking alone is a positive thing...although tinged with some sadness.
    I hope you don't mind that I want to make some suggestions!! (I only do this with poems I value!!!)

    I think if you reworked this a few times it could be stunningly beautiful.
    "I pronounce my own name myself" has too much tautology.
    If you just wrote "I pronounce my name" it would still say the same thing but be stronger.
    In the line "But your only just..." I would delete the "But" and one of "only" or just"

    The line "The moon again brings light to my destiny" is far too flowery!

    The following line should be "I forget ..." so that it s all in the present tense.

    There are a few minor errors "reminitions" is not a word,"lovely " is misspelt and"your" should be "you're".




  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    August 9

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to AllPoetry

    An interesting poem; I rather like this - I would call it 'abstract' for its originality
    The repetition of the title in the poem is well place though poetically I'd recommend being careful with punctuation as a full stop at the end of each line is a little confronting and adrupt

    Great write
    I hope you enjoy AllPoetry and continue to share your words with us
    ♥
    Stay safe
    ~Manda
    Site Greeter