A good gist of the bible

Old Testament: God creates the universe and sees it and its SERIOUS BUSINESS, but then Satan morphs into a fictional pokemon and totally Trolls Eve, telling her "Apple or GTFO!" (because she was already showing tits). she chooses the formal and her and her fuck buddy Adam get perma-banned from the Garden of Eden server for being Troll-Bait. Then alot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race(which explains alot, really.)

Then later God gets uber pissed about Pharoah Hitler seriously Pwning the Jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe to him, Moses later stages a huge slave run-a-way and opens up the sea so the jews can run through it closing it behind them, drowning the ancient Nazis.
God Lol'd.


Then some other less important shit happened, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry for god to fap to...


New Testament: God finds Mary and just sticks the tip in and drops his load, nine months later Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday God gives Jesus more cheatcodes then he did with Moses, plus the rcon password for life and some CP (credit points).

Later Jesus became a hardcore SKA punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and Perma-Banned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. HOWEVER the jews forgot Jesus had god mod turned on, he waited 3 days then hit the vid_restart button on the rcon panel, came back into the server and laughed at the jews.

after that 3 more guys tell the same story then this faggot Paul wrote shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff Jesus never fucking said, but everybody listened to Paul because they are dumb.

and so the Bible stating that the belief of some cosmic jewish zombie can make you live forever by symbollically eating his flesh and blood and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a blonde nudist rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree exists today.