I love you, too [wip]

There I am; standing in the rain wrapped in your arms as you tell me you love me for the first time. So this is what Cloud Nine feels like. I dance with the rain falling all around me. I don’t notice. Everything is so beautiful, so fantastic. You don’t understand what I’m talking about. You finally get me get into your car, dripping wet, and drive me home. Can a sixteen year old really know what love is? I can’t stop smiling.

Soon I can’t smile at all. I tell myself you don’t love me and I’m alone in the world. You hold me and tell me that you’re not going anywhere. Bullshit. I yell and scream until the fight has drained out of me. You tell me you still love me while I cry in your arms. I love you, too.

And so goes the next few months: I love you, I hate you. Don’t go, go away. We break up, we make up. Weeks, months, years go on like this with you as the only witness to my madness. Yet, you love me still. I love you, too.

Moving day. Long distance relationships never work you tell me. We break up for the last time. You tell me you love me. Bullshit. What am I going to do without you? I’m losing everything all at once. "You’ll never be without me" you tell me. Apparently long distance friendships work just fine. Seventeen years old and I’m losing my soul mate. Do I even believe in soul mates?

I meet someone new. He falls in love fast. Too fast. He’s different than you; sweeter, more affectionate, attentive, romantic in a more obvious way. This is what I thought I wanted but I don’t love him. All I can think of is you. You and your slow dancing in the mall after a late movie, you singing our song before we say goodnight, your off handed jokes and easy romance. It’s not supposed to be this hard. You let me break you down. Who’s to say that’s not just as much your fault as it is mine? I loved you the best I knew how.

I’m going crazy. I hate it here in this new city, this new school, this new cadet squadron. I’m going crazy. I don’t sleep. Sleep is for the weak I reassure myself. Millions of thoughts fill my mind, all trying to dominate my attention at once and as a result, none of them do. There are just millions of thoughts bouncing around my mind that make no sense. No sense to anyone but me.