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ashen girl to the smoke-romanced lady.





you salt your eyes tragic

but can you catch a glimpse
of me?

i’m the one who sweeps
the ashes left from your
half-hearted hug;
i rub them on my skirt
and feel lucky to witness
the dust off your gift.

you yell
because no one’s taught him
the right words

but haven’t you learned
life likes to give near-
failing grades to girls like me
and i still bow my head
in gratitude?

you fish for diamonds
in the ganges, but

have you given a thought
to us ashen maids
who can’t afford bait
for the corpse of our hope?

you’ve grounded yourself
because your breath
doesn’t smell of incense

while i hope death
won’t spray its armpits
with me tomorrow.

i dip my hands in an idea
for warmth

and you dare sigh
he doesn’t feel ready
to start a campfire
inside his rented room
in your honor?

you’ve slept in this slum before -

how can you forget what it feels like
when the wind rapes you
and you must smile because
its are the only arms that will
wrap around you tonight?










Author notes

Aug. 6, 2009

Prompt: "i'd like to see some poetry the view topics normally addressed in poems, but from an original perspective"





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a poem to someone such as myself, always wondering if her relationships are "right", paying attention to details and whether she's loved by those close to her, written from the perspective from a homeless girl who has nothing and no one even close about whom she could pose those questions. From the simple girl who's satisfied with ashes to prove fire exists, to the sophisticated missy who disregards smoke or that if there's smoke, there's a fire, or that she has a warm comfort zone to sleep in when times get tough.

A contest entry

Does the repetition of "i", "you", "your", "the" become annoying?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • The Slant
    August 13

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is a fantastic poem. all of the word choice is impeccable, great imagery, even the title made me intrigued to read the poem. and the poem did not disappoint. thank you very much for entering, i really enjoyed this slice of art.


  • Evinde
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    The repetition deifently does not become annoying. In fact i didn't even notice it... my goodness this poem is amazing and impacting, the constant transition foerm point of view and value change really leaves an impression, I can't have any suggestions for this... great job!