girl wasteland

i would give you everything
i would
in a way i already have
giving you me has been one hell of a struggle
i'm not even all the way there yet,
i still have some bridges i need to set fire to and a few more
i need to erect in your honor
but there's still a diary hidden under my bed,
locked under my rib cage

i'm sorry

the pages bleed fresh ink and i
find myself scared to place it in your hands
what if i couldn't wash them off after
what if it permanently stained the skin
of your love for me

yeah there's a sky full of things i still can't confess
to you
like how everyone in my life has had a hand in helping
my vocal chords close,
especially when i want to cry
i used to be able to let my tears flow
but now each river behind my irises has
dried up, bone-dry, desert-dry, me-after-him-dry
and yes you are the ocean and a waterfall
but i cannot let your waters reach my shore
just yet

or how i bare my fangs only when i feel vulnerable

or how i only feel pretty
in extra small shirts and size 4 jeans

or why i'm always awake longer than you are (troubled
by the million thoughts and memories playing
like fire against the shadows of my mind--
bringing all my doubts into clear light)

or a thousand things that all correlate with
the small fragments of space
making scars and indentions into the
castle walls that have become
me, or what's left of it

no
i haven't told you everything i write about yet
one day i will
when i am no longer a girl wasteland with champagne breath and addicted eyes
one day i swear i'll let you let the world bloom inside me