You disgust me

I have to get out of here or it’s going to eat me alive. The idea that I actually touched him, that I enjoyed the way he touched me, that I held him, watched him cry and told him that I would love him no matter what he did. The idea that I talked to him every night for a month until dawn listening to those pills race into his brain and how his view of the world is tinted a slight orange red grey, and he sees everything just a little more dingy, a little more decayed than it really is.

I always hoped that the signs were wrong. Or at least that what he was doing wasn’t all that bad, maybe just a little overly raunchy porn, maybe he was just a necrophiliac who didn’t dig up the bodies he fantasized about… However,

I’ve been proven wrong today.

And although our half friendship half obsession was already waning, my disgust has now overtaken any emotion I ever would have had for that slimy motherfucker other than shame and outrage.

See, he’s a smoke mouth, always promising things that he can never ever give, and thinking about little encrypted silent sexual depravities that he only ever hints at.. He has to hint, or they would consume him, but he can’t share them wholly, because then they wouldn’t be any fun, as he’s told me. When they come out to the front though, girls end up like her, with strangulation marks, black and red, swollen and angry. She’s afraid you know, to press charges, and although I know how she feels, I don’t give a damn about five years of friendship with his twisted head, I honestly want him to pay for what he’s done. He tells me he’s been doing it for years.

Not to her of course, so I can’t even imagine what has happened to the other poor people that bastard victimized while I was star struck and STUPID, playing with the thoughts he allowed me to have. Now here I am, restraining myself, sort of, from going to his house with a nice blunt object and paying him back turn by turn, for taking what wasn’t his, and here I am, sick with myself for ever trusting a rapist.

There. A very truthful, very sickening rant.