summer or winter is it in my heart
searching the one I wish could be mine
the sorrow sat on my back like a rat
eating all my soul and all my mind inside
autumn or spring waiting day after day
hoping he's coming to reclaim what he said
I watch him coming closer and closer
and then have him said that he can't stay,
he only played a game
Sunshine or snow is taking over me
happiness or depression seeks to be free
I sit in my room,staring out the window
trying to find someone who isn't there,I look in the mirror
and he can't be moved,I can't deal with that
not for a mile,not for a while
not him,not his great smile!!!
A contest entry
- Different by TwiztidMaggot.
700 points, ended August 25, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Well, thank you for trying to understand my poem and gave it a chance... Well,as about your questions,I guess i can answer them!
I was sure i wanted to say the one,cause i know who I am talking about... it is a long and painful story though
Yes,the first line is a question,and ends there...i'll correct it with a question-mark so that the readers can understand...thanks for making me see that one!!!
About lines 6-8,yeah,it was all in purpose...i mean the mix into the presence and past... the present,is for things are happening now between me and him...and the past tense,is about the things he did before... these actions are connected one another into the poem... and actually the present which is affected from the past...
About the commas too...I only placed them where i thought they were needed... The poem should flow without pauses while you are reading it... with only exceptions the lines i placed the comas...
Thank you very much for wasting your time to make the right questions to me!!! I hope my answers please you...
-
-
Young Miss Irene...
I was surprised to find your response, today. Not understanding why you would think it was a waste of time for me to respond to your poem, I decided to visit your profile. You said the same thing there ("Thanks for wasting your time to read this!!!"). Believe this--no one who reads your page or takes time out to ask you about your poems is wasting time. Time is valuable, and you are even more valuable.
You are only 14, and are a beautiful young girl living in a country where Love is a part of it's classical history and heritage. Seek to see yourself as God sees you, and you will realize that you don't need to spend too much time and energy thinking about someone who is not ready to be committed to you. When you learn to Love yourself, you will learn that the people commenting on your poems and reading your profile page would not make that choice, if we thought it was wasting time. Our time is precious, thus we spend it on things and people we find worthy...that's you.
You don't have to worry about whether or not your answers please me. I was pleased enough to read your original work, and your reply was just an extra blessing. If your answers please YOU, my goal was accomplished. Now that I know English is not your first language, it helps me understand some of your poetic phrases. I wish I could read Greek; your work in your native tongue must be riveting!
For now, pour your heart and your Love into your writing and discovering your self and pursuing your dreams...not so much dreams of lost boys. Some of them will eventually become men, and one who will become a Real Man will find you when you have become the Woman of your destiny.
You don't need to respond to this response to your reply to my reaction to your poem. If you want to you can, but it won't bother me if you don't respond--so please feel no obligation.
God Bless You, Forever.
Sincerely,
Marvin J. †
-
-
Seasons of lost Love
Clearly, you were in tune with what you were feeling, and if this poem is only for you and your feelings, that's good enough. But, if you make the choice to share it with others, you should consider the reader as well. Please reflect and answer these questions only to yourself:
Did you really intend to capitalize only two words, one in the title and one in the text? Does it matter whether or not the reader understands why?
Are you sure you want to say you are searching the one (which indicates you have him in hand), and not searching for the one?
Is the 1st line a question, and if so where does it end and the next statement (non-question) begin?
Lines 6-8 change from present to past tense and back twice (that's 3 tense changes). Was that on purpose. If so, what was the purpose?
Did you choose to place your commas only in lines 7 and 11-15. Should we as readers be reading mostly without pause until we approach the end--then start halting more. Is that how your feelings played out? Is there a subliminal reason you chose not to leave spaces behind the commas.
I'm not trying to be critical. If you made all these choices on purpose, you have achieved your writing goal. Just be sure that if you choose to write something--unless your purpose is to happen upon accident-- always write what you want to write on purpose.
I hope you one day soon find the Love you're looking for, and that is looking for you.
GBU,
MDJ. † -
Well,I think that you can't get that poem...
I can't tell if it is confusing,cause it is pretty clear to me,maybe because I wrote it,and I know what exactly I was feeling while doing this...
Every word in that poem,has it's own deep meaning for me...
It might be difficult to understand,but give it a try,and try to get it's point...
try to feel me,read,find that what is hiding from you,but is still in front of your eyes
Give it a try,you might like it after that,if not liking it right now.. -
this is a bit a confusing. I think the last stanza makes the most sense, where you explain that the feelings you have are confusing and you are having a hard time forgetting this person and what they did to you. The last line was great, caught my attention. I think this piece just needs to be looked at again and try to think of it from a different person's point of view so you can try to make it a bit more clear. but good job!!!
-
rework
To confuseing and bad word flow. Capitalization is crazy. I think it has hope yet until it is reworked and made to amke some kind of something sorry but I can't rate it nor judge it. Sorry! Hint Searching for the one I wish I could find. Sticks out the most. -
This is a pretty good piece. Autumn or Sprint... isn't that supposed to be Spring? That doesn't really matter... Very nice work. Keep up your good work! Best of luck
TwiztidMaggot
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
