i dream of oceans

i have nightmares about the sea

don't get me wrong, i love the ocean
waves crashing like watery skyscrapers around me
seaweed tangles, shells against my toes,
the salt stinging like it wants you pure again
(but you can't be, you know)
i love it all
i do

but in my sleep it terrifies me
whatever lies beneath the surface of
the waves or my mind haunting
it's all the same, anyway,
when you really think about it--

sometimes i dream i'm floating in it
just right in the middle
sometimes instead of floating i'm drowning
and sometimes while i'm drowning i'm surrounded by the pieces of planes
and pieces of people
my horoscope often warns i'm susceptible to
death by airplanes
but poetry often tells me to fear death by water
i listen to the latter more
it makes more sense

but more often lately i just dream of walking from the beach to the water
where it's pooling and the tide's coming in like it's greeting me
lovers coming home to one another
and i just step right into it
just entering a wave like a big glass door
like dorothy in emerald city
and walking until i'm crushed by water pressure
or die, my lungs filled with salt
i always dream of seeing sharks
but none of them want to touch me
they can smell the liquor in my blood and they don't want it
who does

yeah i think those are the worst of all
dreaming that i could just walk into all that and get halfway to the pacific
because, metaphorically, i've done that before with boys
specifically, i've done that before with that one boy
and poetically, i always drowned
a few good waves in.