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In the dark room (edited version)

Frail ideals of change died
In their moment of conception,
Whispers of self doubt
That gnawed holes in the canvas of existence
Hung in the shadowed corners
Where Death waited,
so patient.
A slow smile of welcome blurred his ivory face
Slender fingers that held an illusion of warmth
Reached out of the veiled unknown
To unlock the door
Out of the dark room of my mind.

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Kevin Moderators member
    September 25

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    i love that you edit your poems.

    no stanzas

    some similar themes to the one I just read...

    Use a better metaphor for death than Death? or just keep it ambigious who he is. a quietspoken man wearing brown? "the visitor"?

    ending line needs work. new stanza after 'veiled unknown' (and perhaps describe the veil better? his cloak? his darkness around him, some thick shadow?)

    if you're introducing 'me' do it before the last line, it can add a lot of power to have a 'speaker' introduced.

    you're pretty good at this stuff! :


  • Navajo Apsara gold member
    August 12
    Edit | Reply
    A slow smile of welcome blurred his ivory face Slender fingers that held an illusion of warmth Reached out of the veiled unknown. This is really good, holdsing that illusion of warmth was excellent fior her. Thank you for sharing.


  • Oh.My.Juliet
    August 11

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    This really captured my attention, I love that you were able to write a dark piece with so little words. Lots of dark writes need to be longer, but this is very well done

    Thanks for sharing, keep writing!

    x


  • Kari gold member
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    Very good job.

  • karabi
    August 9
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    Nicely written, enjoyed greatly.

  • Alexis-Rueal
    August 8

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    I enjoyed this piece. I think the language is excellent and the story this poem tell is very interesting. I do happen to agree that a black background would have been favorible for this piece. Well done.


  • TheDarknessWithinXx
    August 8
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing! I loved this piece! A black background would have worked better, though =)


  • borrowing.moonlight gold member
    August 5

    Edit | Reply
    Wow thats amazing.... i feel that your background should have been plain black because of your imagery of a dark room.. the white kind of offsets that. I love your imagery by the way it's flawless! great piece

    • lightwing
      August 6
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comments. I agree a black background would have been more effective but I can never get the type to show up clearly so I went to the opposite extreme.

1 - 9 of 9