Songs are never, as beautiful...
...Through my broken lips, and
Music is never as innocent...
...Coming from my bloodied hands..
Could I only live up to your expectations?
Lay me out and beat me dry, One more
Isolated tear to cry... And I am
Broken inside this lonely shell...
So delicate like fine lace,
Torn from effortless pain,
And you'll never know..
And I could never explain
Lyrics never tasted, so bitter...
...Through my crimson staind mouth,
And notes never felt so shattered..
...Coming from my splintered finger tips.
It's slipping away, the person
I always promised myself to be
And I never noticed when it changed...
Suddenly lifes priorities rearranged
I only want my love back, it's so far away..
Like the sun touching the moon, that moment
Shall never come too soon..
Songs are never, as beautiful...
...Through my broken lips, and
...Music is never as innocent...
...Coming from my bloodied hands...
The salty sting of tears upon,
The wounds inflicted by years time...
And I will never be mine again,
I give it all away...And I'll never
Have back the fantasies of 10 years ago
...And you'll never feel it, like I do..
Lyrics never tasted, so bitter
...Through my crimson stained mouth,
And notes never felt so shattered...
...Coming from my splintered fingers...
If only I could hear the music, like it was
The first time, it touched me...
Like the first time you touched me...
It will never be the same, and there's no one
To blame, because distance and time
Wear on the mind like a gentle tide...
And only I know where my priorities lay inside..
...And I hope you'll wait...
And the music never felt as strong...
Coming from scarred lips,
And the sound was never as pure...
...Coming from my torn finger tips...
Author notes
Not entirly sure what this is..
Written March 28th, 2004
A contest entry
- Best Prewrites!! Send em on over! by perfectsunset.
800 points, ended July 2, 2008, 32 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Deep thinkers, Give me some soul! by Amunet Wolfbane.
900 points, ended August 30, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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I think that this was a good poem. I think that it was filled with many wonderful elements, but for this contest I was thinking of sort of a blissful memory. I can see where this would be somewhat of a memeory leading into the present, but I am looking for something that shines some of the more mossitive aspects of love.
Thanks for entering.
It was a good poem for its topic.
BC. -
A very intense and powerful write this is...my
I very much enjoyed the powerful feel of this piece
Thank you so much for sharing and for being part of the contest...all the best to you! -
Very forceful poem you have here. Many would consider music to be an escape from the world and you managed to mix it into the real world of pain and sadness. I'm not sure if that was what you were aiming for but i must say it was rather inspiring and intriguing for me. Very good poem. Thank you for entering!
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This is great~ I love it!
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Lovely! Such a haunting feel to this. So full of depth, images and emotion. I like it all, but especially,
'The salty sting of tears upon,
The wounds inflicted by years time...
And I will never be mine again,
I give it all away...And I'll never
Have back the fantasies of 10 years ago
...And you'll never feel it, like I do..'
Very powerful in its entirety.
best wishes in the contest
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Great!
Randomly I'll tell you I was listening to Billie Holiday when reading this,
I may have found your track, hah. It wasn't complicated. It was straight forward and honest, I admire that.
Best of luck,
♥.
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It is sad but very beautiful. The reader is able to feel the pain and yet it is not a rant, but very poetic. Nice job and thank you for entering
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Thank you for your entry in the contest. An interesting poem although it feels more like the lyrics to a song. The repeating refrain is maybe a little too much, but overall a good poem.
All the best at judging
Sue and Jeff
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I'm not crazy on all the ... in this piece, they seem somewhat misplaced. The 2nd to last stanza is my favorite. Reminds me of a very long night in my life a decade ago. Very nice
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It'd make a good song!
It's not really my style, and personally I think repeating the refrain so much stifles it, but I love how you did different variations of the refrain stanza. I don't see that done all that often!
"And the music never felt as strong...
Coming from scarred lips"
I like this a lot, though!
-hiraeth -
Wow. The topic itself intrigues me. Most poem topics can't do that, so I congratulate you on that. That wording intrigues me as well. It is very well written. Next time I think you should end your lines better. Your lines end in awkward places and it disrupts the flow of the poem. So work on that for next time but in general, it's very good. Thanks for entering!
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This is really powerful. I like the refrain, and the slight variety you put into it, much better, imo, than just repeating it verbatim. The only line I didn't like - Shall never come too soon..
I think that should be rewritten because its a little awkward and confusing.
Nevertheless, this is a great poem, quite heartfelt and I can see why it won an honorable mention. Nice job, and thanks for entering. -
Thank you for entering this for the competition. But this is really too personal for a live show...
But please do not remove it from the competition until the results are announced and the post-competition period for critiquing is over. Poems removed prematurely will forfeit any points they might have gained. -
All the periods took away from the poem a lot, for me. Also, I found the rhyming in every second stanza was a little confusing. However, you did have some good imagery.
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I liked this. The first stanza didnt really set the rythm for the poem well though. Your about half way into the poem before it really gets into any steady rythm. From that point on is great and the message of the poem is great as well. thank you for entering the poem in my contest and good luck.
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A tad long but worth the time spent. I loved these lines...
And you'll never know..
And I could never explain
Powerful to me. Very well done, thank you for entering! -
Raw emotions embraced this whole piece. Thank you for sharing
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Wow this was so deeply expressive of raw emotions and harnessed feelings within. Powerful piece with beautiful imagery and descriptions.
Lovely write!
Thanks for entering & best of luck
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That was amazing! From the perspective, it reads to me like broken music. I personally like music and prefer it well, but this truly is art. It is wonderful.
The part that referred to the sun touching the moon, it was incredible!Good luck!
--> pia♫♪
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This is great my favorite part is:
Could I only live up to your expectations?
Lay me out and beat me dry, One more
Isolated tear to cry... And I am
Broken inside this lonely shell...
So delicate like fine lace,
Torn from effortless pain,
And you'll never know..
And I could never explain
It had a great choice of words. -
I loved these lyrics, they seemed so well thought out yet it flows so perfectly. this is the first entry that i have read for this contest and i am plesently suprized and if others are as good as yours i am going to have trouble picking a winner
thank you for entering and good luck in my contest... smiles -
wow this is absolutely awesome... I really, really enjoyed this, you write with so much talent and this poem makes me want to read a whole lot more of your work... which I am going to do once I finish reading all the entries to my contest... beautiful and touching piece... brillantly written.
Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! -
Great job. I really liked how you used commas. It really helped the flow in my opinion. I'll be rereading this at the end of the contest, so feel free to change anything you want on it. Great job! I loved it!
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Good
So where's the music? the CD?
After all this is very lyrical and the subject matter would lend itself so readily to song format.
Good Stuff! -
It feels sad, as the lyrics taste bitter. It is like sing a song that tears you apart, and yet you can't stop singing it.
An excellent write, I liked how deep it sounded!
Thanks for the very good read!
Mari
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Yay!
I liked this poem. It really reaches out with a message and causes you to think; ...What does this mean? It could mean a lot of things. This is really the kind of poetry I love to read and live for. -
great
If only I could hear the music, like it was
The first time, it touched me...
i'm a songwriter myself, and i can completely relate to the feeling this poem (and especially those two lines) convey. great write. -
This is beautiful.... wow..you have a totally amazing talent to you... im so happy i got to read this
the following was my favorite part:
It's slipping away, the person
I always promised myself to be
And I never noticed when it changed...
Suddenly lifes priorities rearranged
I only want my love back, it's so far away..
Like the sun touching the moon, that moment
Shall never come too soon..
I dont kno, it just hit me as the part I liked best.... I love the whole poem though all in all... it was just a beauty... Like it was mentioned above, this is deep... It truely is... The flow was done wonderfully and its just all great... wonderful job, keep it up, dont stop writting...seriously...ciao.
~Sun -
you aren't entirely sure what this is, and i'm not the bastard to label it for you. but i will say that i'm pleasantly surprised - on your author page you said your lyrics tend to be a bit bopper-ish (your words) but i think this piece belies a much deeper musical attunement. your use of the physical page (commas, "..."s, spacing) allowed me a chance to hear the piece more sonorously, despite the lack of accompanying music. the bit about "torn fingertips" got me completely. very original take, very intelligent writing. good rhyme scheme, good rhythm; there's very little i can say about this piece that isn't positive. really well done. i'm sure the music only adds.
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This is very deep. I'm not sure I even undetstand it all but great job. You made it work and the flow of the piece sounded awesome. Keep up the good work!
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This is really good. I love the use of commas, it gives a whole new dimension to the poem. And it does sort of give me the thought of a song... great job!
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Oh, sorry... "song about a song about the boy", maybe?
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Kind of an introspective "song about the song about the girl" kind of thing. Good pop music sensibility and I think it will come through a lot more powerfully with music behind it.
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great!
this is an amazing poem! very original! lyrics perhaps? i love how it strays a bit and concentrates on music, mouth and hands, i know i have already said this but it really is very original, the rhyming is really good too, not overdone, great poem
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