Cold.

It was Summer, and it was cold.
I remember now...
everything.
Marijuana smoke is still heavy in the air and my breath smells of nicotine and cheap beer.
It wasn't like you to treat me that way, it wasn't like me to leave so easily. I can hardly put your face together anymore,
all I remember is your eyes, and even those are losing color.
It didn't take much but a sandwhich bag filled with love, to get in my pants.
I'm not even sure that breaking the law crossed your mind once.
"They can't do anything, your emancipated."
[That's what you think.]
I've never had a summer quite like that one, you completely fucking destroyed me.
-flashback-
I'm walking across a gas station parking lot with an old friend, and now we're running.
Why are we running?
That's right, I think I see you.
"Fuck dude, that's ChiChi's parents, they're gonna see me!"
And we're running again, I'm going up a flight of stairs, which is no fucking stairway to heaven..
In this story these stairs lead to hell.
I throw my bag on the livingroom floor, and sit down on the couch with Lauren.
I'm loading a bowl now, and pulling out a lighter.. black to be exact.
We finish smoking, and I'm feeling a little better.
"zmmmmm" "zmmmmm"
My phones vibrating, it's a text from ChiChi...........
"I miss you, can I come get you"
and what do I say?
No.. me and Kila are watching a movie, and taking pictures.
When in reality I should've been saying......
"Yes I'm not at Kila's, I'm over at Chads."
"He's buying more beer and then coming back here to whisper sweet nothings into my innocent ears and strip me of my pride and not just my clothes."
But I don't....
and I'm hurting.
I'm crying.
I'm high on something, and it isn't weed.
I'm freaking out, I'm hyper, I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm chugging beer after fucking beer.
I want to get up, but I can't, I want to call you but I can't reach for my phone, I can't see anything, it's dark, so fucking dark.
I can feel my heartbeat in every fucking ounce of my being.
I feel it in my feet, my head, I'm sweating, and I'm freezing.
I just started laughing out of nowhere, I opened my eyes, and there's light now.
I don't know what's going on but it hurts, like being raped only not being held down.
I can't fix this, I can't make it stop.
I can't fucking move, why can't I move....
and then I heard it, the last thing I ever wanted to.
"Say my name, uh that's it, say my fucking name."
I'm numb.
I see his face not yours.
His face with eyes, and a nose, and a goddamn mouth.
I look down and see him inside of me.
Why is this happening, why the fuck am I doing this,
and why can't I fucking stop.
I feel my mouth moving, but nothings coming out.
I can hear the words in my head, but I'm not speaking.
My inside's are so warm now..
and it feels like I just wet myself..
Only it's you
You
Y
O
U
Your done, and I'm stumbling to the bathroom.
I've got my phone in my hands but I can't see the numbers straight.... I know I've got a ton of messages because it keeps vibrating.
I throw it on the floor, and reach into my bag.
I'm rummaging through makeup, and lighters and empty baggys, and then I see it.
It's calling my name, I break it in pieces.
[My shaving blade.]
One cut, two cut, three cut.
and then four.
I can't stop, I'm not sure I want to...
I hide the blades all over the bathroom, so that later something will be there to comfort me again.
I put on a hoodie, and try to walk straight, but I use the walls to keep my balance.
Laurens asleep on the livingroom couch, and your outside smoking a cigarette.
I put my hood on, and come join you.
Why?
Why the fuck am I doing this?
Wake up!
Kirsten!
Your just standing there in front of me with that look in your eyes..
that look you wear so well.
Not a word is spoken, and we walk back inside.
I sit on the floor and you pull a pipe out only what's in it doesn't look like it's just weed.
It's something more than that..
and you slowly open your mouth and mumble
"Do you want some more?"