The plane took off,
but the engine was missing.
All my catastrophes
start out with kissing.
Let's not go there,
'cus honestly its
not really fair
to the girl thinkn' of me
somewhere
A hopless romantic with
bad intentions
I really should look up
those definitions
of all the names you
screamed at me,
but i'm afriad i'll see
my face.
i'm afraid i'll see my face in the dictionary,
but I still love her and I will always,
always remember February.
Author notes
David Morguson. I got my muse back.
A contest entry
- Prewrites for my FAVES only! by perfectsunset.
625 points, ended August 18, 70 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is it ok?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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this is real good... i've been the one doing th screaming... and i think he did have to look up the definitions. it's wierd i felt angry at you for this, but it's not you... it's my ex... sat least you feel remorse... i do think the rhyme stutters a bit tho.. you could try
"those definitions of all the names you
screamed at me,
but i'm afriad it's my face i'll see
real good, tho...
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This seemed of a personal write,
and filled with deep sentiment
I'm sure many can relate.
Wonderfully penned!
Best of luck & thanks for entering
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This is wonderful! I love it!!
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This is really, pretty good. There's a lot fo emotion in this piece, I see despise toward yourself and remorse for your actions. On the other hand... I can't stand it when someone uses that line you used for your title
. Good choise though, it pulls the reader in, that's why I read it lol.
The feelings are conveyed well and it's easy for your readers to understand. I love the first two lines, they erally grabbed me and made me want to read the piece. I think a few of the rhymes seem a little forced, but I think that might have a little to do with the structure you have given the poem. In the first stanza your rhyme scheme is abab. In the second stanza you have 5 lines and there is still the basic rhyme that you built in the first stanza, you just moved "not really fair" to its own line. If you move it back up with the line above I think that stanza will read more smoothly. When I read a poem I tend to place a pause at the end of a line before moving on to the next, a lot of people will do that, especially with rhyme.
"of all the names you
screamed at me,
but i'm afriad i'll see
my face."
Here you divert from the rhyme scheme, you could possibly re-order the last two lines with something like:
"directly in my face
which I'm afraid I'll see"
Just throwin' out some ideas... hey you asked for constructive criticism lol.
I think if you continued with a four line abab stanza structure with the rest of the poem it would really strengthen the piece. Then again you could also merge the first two stanzas into one eight line stanza like the third one and it would be just as great. I would leave the last stanza alone though... it stands out on its own almost like a poem within a poem feel to it, and I like the feel of that.
You have a brilliant poem goin' here and I like the feel of it. Good luck in the contests! -
The beginning is so genius, just amazinggg, as is the rest of it. Great write!
x -
I really should look up
those definitions
of all the names you
screamed at me,
but i'm afriad i'll see
my face.
- yeah i know how that feels.
again, lovely rhyme - not cliche and subtle yet strong.
love the last line.
xx -
Ohhhh ....!!! but very impressive words ...
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Wow...what an emotional work here David. Sad to read this but you caught my attention. Thanks again!
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