She reads Erskine Caldwell while sipping red wine
notes filling index cards like dandruff on black cotton
After a meal of blackened red snapper served with a homemade Creole sauce
Before a bathtub of water the temperature of her lovers breath
she lingers
Remembers that the chemo is due Friday
I stand longing to be in her arms
wishing she could hear the words
I couldn't say
A contest entry
- 2000 tr0phies! wh00t! by amaranthine lover.
3500 points, ended August 30, 2009, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Now let silence speak by tara wilson.
3500 points, ended August 19, 2009, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Can you help make it better?
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
-
Words not spoken, but token in action...she thinks of him,too, waiting for the warmth to envelop and "make the world go away." ...as close as a thought, but words outdistanced by currents of ache when endurance is a wake for the one watching.
-
This touches in exactly the right places.
-
22.2 / 25
This is astoundingly beautiful, the only thing lacking are commas where the passages seem to need them. -
-
-
"Before a bathtub of water the temperature of her lovers breath
she lingers"
i love this line so much, and it is hard to say exactly what we want, and even harder when those words just don't come out - especially for the one who needs to hear them... i love the scene of this and your tone, this is really beautiful and one of the best titles in the contest.. great take on the contest prompt...check your spelling of temperature...
-
-
Tara,
Catching up on comments. Sorry i missed this one. Thank you for being so sweet to me. I appreciate it.
Joe
-
-
I love how the details characterize her... on so many fronts. That dandruff thingy...that was different. A nuisance..notes on a card to fill time...chemo...just thinkin. Even the Caldwell reference speaks so much thematically. He writes a lot about the less fortunate, the downtrodden...but often with a bit of humor. She too, is finding her relief...the book, the wine, the bath.
But what was really cool, is that the poem turns out to be about someone else...about HIM and his longing. Everyone needs, longs, hurts, loves.
A really nice one!
-
-
Ten,
This has got to be one of the best comments on one of my poems -ever. Thank you , really, thank you.
Joe
-
-
This is so very touching. Loved the "lovers breath" shortly followed by the hesitation. A powerful write that will stay with me even after I've read it.
-
-
Allyce May.
Thanks for such a kind comment. I appreciate that. To know that someone read my words and really read them ,that's awesome.
*hugs*
Joe
-
-
Nice job on this Joe. I agree with doolie's comments. There are alot of emotions packed in this short piece.
Very well done.
Mike
-
-
Mike,
It's always a pleasure to see someone new has read my words. I appreciate the read and the comment.
Stay safe,
Joe
-
-
This is such a tender and heartfelt write, Joe. It starts out so lovings and then at the end you give us all a surprise with the chemo. The part that really pulled me in was "I stand longing to be in her arms, wishing she could hear the words I couldn't say". Wonderful write, hun...Best of luck in the contest.
-
-
Grasshoper
Thanks my dear friend. I appreciate it. Double hugs on Wensday.
Joe
-
-
You write with such heart.
I love the way your words read...simple, yet packed with feeling.
Yum on the creole sauce
-
-
Amy,
Thank YOU. I appreicate the kind comment. When I get to NC, we will pig out.
Get the biscuits baking.
Joe
-
-
poignant
You are an incredible poet. You have a wonderful gift with imagery and being in the moment with two people. I will be keeping my eye out for your postings. Very impressed.
ivoire
-
-
ivorie
Thanks for coming over to read, I appreciate it.
Joe
-
-
perfect setting Joe,
beautiful details, love can find a way that will calm the raging storms in our mind
and forget the world for a moment like a hot steamy bath and the love waiting for us, just simply lovely
Blessings always Joe,
Rend
-
-
Rend,
Glad you liked this one, i wrote it kinda non stop. Sometimes tha tis the best way ?
Joe
-
-
i love how you draw the reader in with such beautifully romantic images. it lifts the spirit and then... POW! the shock of reality sets in leaving sadness and regret.
a great write, my friend xx
-
-
Dee,
Thanks for reading , you have been missed, so thanks for stoping by .
Joe
-
-
Yum.. I just had shrimp creole for the first time last night
The sadness floats through this almost like the steam from that bath. Nice one Joe
-
perfect.
-
-
Heather,
I appreciate you reading. Not perfect, but close (ha-ha)
Joe
-
-
oh, I think this is perfect for the contest! I love it. "notes filling index cards like dandruff on black cotton" --this stood out to me for some reason--i think its cute and perfect ending!!
-
-
Catie,
I think you are cute.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
Joe
-
-
after the gourmet food and lover's breath, the chemo comes as a shock ...
the ache in the last three lines is so... tangible.
like rowan said, damn this is good.
-
-
charcoal,
I thank you very much. I rarely git a "this is good" vote. I think yours is the second one. I appreciate it.
Thanks for reading,
Joe
-
-
I don't know where this came from, but damn this is good joe. Heart tugging.
hugs
-
-
Kathleen,
Reading you must be rubbing off. Thank you my dear friend.
Joe -
-
so that was you rubbing up against my calves this morning and not my cat then! hehehe
-
-
-
Wow Joe, this is wonderfully written..
''water the temperature of her lover's breath" what a great line. Turns sad and then ends powerfully. Great job on this my friend..
Best of luck young man!
p.s. (yummy, I love homemade creole sauce )!
-
-
Linda,
You are a true southern girl.
Thanks for reading.
Joe
-
-
wishing she could hear the words
I couldn't say
-
-
Mercedes,
Thank you dear lady. It makes my day when you visit.
Joe
-
-
Well written, and a strong attempt at the prompt.
All the best.
mj.
-
-
mj,
Thank you kind sir. i appreciate it.
Joe
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 38 of 38
