~by Gregg Rowe~
(A double senyru with a haiku)
unsanitized coat
hanger, taken into
shadowy lit back room
red bed sheets tossed
in green sacks thrown in back alley
scrawny cats scatter
hours later, a lone
weak woman wobbles, greets the spring
evening crying
Author notes
Written January 18th, 2004
In a list
- Canadian Sentences (Haikus) • next in list
- Canadian Phrases (Senryus) • next in list
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Someones-Nobody: This is one of those rare cases where my ambivalence in poetry and subject matter is stronger than inmost of my poems and I had wished not to take a stand on either side of the question but leave it to the reader for their own interpretation. I am glad that you have stopped by to investigate a few of my works considering you have a lot of points up for grabs in your contest and having a feel of my poetic works. I wish you well in your judging and glad that this controversial poem was your first stop in my pages. gregg
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Well it seems im the only one that didnt count your syllables , cause they make no difference. I can clearly see where your forms seperate and i thought this was very well done. Now im not sure what your actual opinion is on abortion , it seems it could go either way with this poem. It has alot of raw imagery that definately stirs the emotions. Well done, take care and God bless.
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This was very well written even though I as yet do not quite understand the format( but am Learning). You have made a very strong point. I commend you for it
Mia
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Hello, Abby!
I understand your confusion about syllable count in haiku...
perhaps I can explain this.
Haiku is not just ‘5-7-5’-- this is a misconception that many have, mostly due to the 'five minute wash' of haiku that is taught in school. You see, in the original japanese, the haiku has five sound units on the first line, seven on the second, and five on the third. The problem stems from the fact that the japanese sound unit, the ‘onji’-- is not the same as a syllable, but when the western culture translated the concept, this is the closest they could come to the ‘onji’. Often, japanese haiku, when written in english, comes out to much less than seventeen syllables. The 'traditional' 5-7-5 *syllable* count is a western, that is, english form. The 'less than seventeen' *syllable* count is an attempt to write true japanese haiku-- due to the fact that they write in/with onji, not syllables. This is a choice and both are valid. So, the way I’ve heard it explained is that haiku can be written as seventeen syllables in the 5-7-5 pattern, or as a short line, long line, short line in less syllables-- it's just that it should never be more than seventeen.
Oh, and about senryu... senryu is written the in the same structure as haiku, but does not contain a 'kigo', or season word. Haiku is about nature, not about people and should not mention people,but present an allegory to human circumstances that should be fairly easy to draw. Haiku should contain a ‘season’ word or kigo... for the japanese, certain words, animals, plants and things are tied into certain seasons and when used, the reader is to gather which season is being represented.
Senryu brings in the human element and speaks of the human condition and/or emotions.
So, haiku is nature specific, senryu, human (people)centered.
I hope that this helps!
Regards,
Serenem
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Hi Abby:
Remember syllables in English language are the break up of a word...cook is one syllable re/turn is two syllables, con/cen/trate is three syllables. Now go ahead and read my column on Haikus and Senyrus by following the link below and then ask me more questions. Gregg
allpoetry.com/Column/602333
Edited on Jul 30, 8:34 because ''. -
lordoftherings:
I still don't seem to get it. How do you just go about writing a senryu? How do you know how many lines to use or where to stick the haiku, or how many syllables to use? Still, so far, I haven't been able to understand how people can write without the guidelines and it still be okay... I read a bit on the site of:
http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiartjr.htm
And all it does is explain the different tecniques but it doesn't say how you can just come up with haiku's in less syllables than 17. That's my biggest question??????? How did someone get the idea to go off the regular haiku and start doing ones that had no particular structure or syllable-count?
-Abby Eyeball-
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you say it is a double senryu with a haiku, where do they mix? when does the senryu start and the haiku begin or vice versa?
The first two stanzas are senyrus, no mention of a season at all and the last stanza is the haiku with the mention of spring.
I counted it out that the lines go:
5, 6, 6,1717
4, 8, 5,
6, 8, 4, = 18
This is going to take a little explaining with hopefully a nice argument to proof it. The first two stanzas are the senyrus with a real 17-syllable count but divided into different enjambment of the lines digressing away from the 5-7-5 rule. The third stanza is a definate break in the rule of the 17-syllable count by adding an extra syllable. I did keep the mention of the season though even though Haikus and Senyrus were starting to be rewritten in the late 1960s. The Beat Generation experimented in this fashion because they were tired to conform to the rules of traditional poetry and wanted to write metaphysical poetry. So it is a mix of the traditional Japenese Haiku and the Beat Generation. -
This piece was a gem, a dirty/realistic gem. I'm confused, though. I'm new to the different forms of haiku, so if you could please explain to me... I know what a senryu is, and what a haiku is, but you say it is a double senryu with a haiku, where do they mix? when does the senryu start and the haiku begin or vice versa? I counted it out that the lines go:
5, 6, 6, 4, 8, 5, 6, 8, 4,
And how do you devise that up into a poem of a double senryu and a haiku? I'm just asking simply because I don't know. Is this another way you can write it? Please just explain it to me, that's all I'd like
As for the piece itself, it was true, poetic in disgust, and definitely sad...
-Abby Eyeball- -
EXCELLENT
oh man.....this is very intense......an unexpected twist on this issue......brilliantly written......thanks for entering....... ~~~~~~~~~~~Stephanie~~~~~~~
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I have just left a comment on Irisunseen's soap box anit-abortion rant when I come across this. After having stated that there is a fine line bewteen diatribe and poetry, this is exactly what i meant. Not a great fan of haikus, pieced together like this there is a hint of forgiveness. This poem is emotive, it states and still draws further to make the reader feel. It achieves with subtle brush strokes as opposed to buckets of opinion. nice job
david -
Hey buddy,
I agree. Though the alternative to abortion would be a lot more unsafe, the current statistics are a national disgrace, especially considering the variety of birth control methods available. Nobody can plead ignorance anymore, and yet abortions are still conducted by the thousands every year. Something needs to change. For anyone with a heart and a conscience, when the fetus is cut away, a part of the mother's and father's souls are cut away with it. It's not like having a tooth pulled. Whether the baby is a minute old or nine months old, and even if it can't do advanced algebra yet, it's still a life, and abortion is taking that life. Take it from one who went through it as a dumb teenager (though male) and never got over it. The thought, "He/she would have been 9, 10, 11, etc., today" has crossed my mind every year since.
Thanks,
Mark -
I didn't think it was possible to see such heart wrenching description in a short poem, but you did it. Not only is this well written, but it's raw truth.
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Bonnie: but I have to leave again, the operation is on Wednesday, day after tomorrow, will be in hsopital for six days minimum and then home forsix weeks recuperation time with full recovery in six months. I will be back! Thanks for the comment on my poem Abortion. Gregg Missed you love!
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Welcome back, Gregg. This is an excellent piece with exceptional imagery. You placed us all in that back room, took us through the wicked process and right on out to the smelly dumpster.
Good luck in the contest! Love and hugs, BonnieQ
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Don't mind if I can't keep up with you, undergoing heavy-duty medical changes in life but promise that I have written down your name and all poems critiqued so that I can get back to you, still answering three days IMs right now
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This is GRISLY, and real, and well written. Been reading some of your stuff, not finding much to dislike. Keep it up.
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Too many women were dying from no reason at all, so were their babies.
This makes me want to cry, and if I read too many of these type poems (about abortion) I will have nightmares.
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AAAAArrrggggggg.... This was simple and powerful. I just hate this topic one side of me thinks that abortion is wrong then the other side of me believes that a woman should always have the right to make that decision of her own body. Enthralling poetry I felt as though I was there that spring evening.
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this is most deff going on my bookmarks. BLOODY AMAZING! ehhh...no cruel pun intended. my goal in life is to see that abortion is banned. i usually don't prefer the short haiku stuff... but it's incredible how you take a few words and paint the most vivid and descriptive imagery in my mind. i love this.... it's powerful.
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I like how it circles out from hanger, then spring at the end. good succinct poem, and pretty potent. I will reserve comment on the visual imagery.
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You got the skills man and you proved it through this piece. I liked the way this poem flowed even though it had to be confined to a certain form. I find with most poems confined to a certain form things begin to sound corny and fake but you pulled it off brilliantly and the words all worked I like the words weak wobbly woman all in a row lined up good and good subject matter
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Being mentored by your AP Daddy
Did you see I rewrote Harvest for you to make it a Haiku
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Hey, I was right. What prize do I get it? *waits in anticpation*
Edited on Apr 02, 9:25 p.m. because ''. -
BINGO Tainted, you found the core of the poem, during the late 1960s well into the early 1970's that was the most common form of abortion before it was legalized with the verdict of Roe vs Wade in the United States.
Edited on Apr 04, 12:24 because 'Spelling and clarification on a few facts'. -
I read some where they used to give abortions with close hangers at dirty cheap motels. Good poem like all the others that I read so far.
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I usually don't take sides concerning the female body, just present them...this is how abortion was when I was growing up, I'm glad the medical field did something about it though because too many women were dying for no reason at all, there now I have taken sides lol...
Edited on Mar 29, 12:26 because ''. -
Very visual and strong write.... The last stanza is heart wrenching... It all feels cold and mechanical at the start and ends wonderfully with a stanza full of emotion. Very well written piece concerning abortion... I like how you didn't chose a side in this piece, you just tell it like it is instead..... Bravo.
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Wow. There isn't much more I can say to that. Here in the warm spring afternoon I am sitting with chills as I read this. Very powerful.
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