So this is where we watch the fall of us
after building walls of bricks and cement?
Stickler-standards erode from wind because
only nature and time can make the dent -
and soon we will become one with the dust
in spite of hurtful things you said…unmeant.
Wond’ring why you refuse to let me in,
I do not want to be your could-have-been.
It is about time you give this a thought:
how does it feel as you take off my belt?
The cracks distract and we forget what’s fought
‘cause it’s only when I’m naked…you melt.
I have pieces of you that are cursed hot
from feigned statements about how you had felt.
Blockades have led to departure with haste;
all efforts and flashbacks are total waste.
Author notes
Ottava Rima is a form consisting of an ABABABCC rhyme scheme. There are different ways to write this in regards to meter. The meter I decided to go with was iambic pentameter.
This is a good source:
http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/434804/ottava-rima
There are other good sources too, but that link suffices.
--
Name: Tyler (or S i d e w a y s H o u r g l a s s)
Age: 17
Sex: Male
Favourite genre: I love all writing. I'm aware that there are all kinds of different ways to express myself through writing, so that is why I have become accustomed to free verse, prose, rhyme, lyrics, and form. I have to admit that my true love is free verse and prose - and yeah, it's a tie. I do enjoy writing lyrics as well though. I enjoy form too but usually only write it for the sake of being challenged. I hope one day I am confident and skilled enough to write a form poem for solely the sake of emotional release and creative expression.
Favourite form: Ottava Rima, honestly. Thank you for introducing me to this Laura.
Reasons I wish to succeed in this challenge: I explained most of this in the "favourite genre" section but I will reiterate that I am here to improve my skills. And on top of that, Laura challenged me, and she knows that I cannot let that down. Haha. But even without the direct challenge, I honestly would have entered anyway. This is a perfect opportunity to improve my form, rhyme, and meter skills - and all skills in general for that matter. :]
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge "Auditions" by Laura Lamarca.
850 points, ended August 13, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For My Favorites by Age of Rain.
402 points, ended October 20, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Hit me up.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
The overall theme here was excellent. Your use of hyphen in the first stanza was great. I think this is one of your better rhyming pieces. You held up the form with this one. Well done
-
Mr Metaphor strikes again...AND he does it in form...you surpassed yourself again, i loved this. If you make it through...I'm going to drive you like a slave.
oh yes, i certainly am! 
Thank you for entering the auditions round, i wish you luck!
Laura.
-
This was a real treat for me, as this is the first double ottava rima, I've read in a long while, and you did justice to this form. Furthermore, you knocked my socks off, that you were able to do this in a metered measure, that even I have yet to master. You added in some very original touches of your own, that speak your voice strongly, (as I've seen you do in free verse.) You have massive potential, as well earned talent. I loved this. Well done.
~Hettie
-
Congratulations on your first ottava rima. I applaud all poets who stretch themselves to master new ways of writing. Even if you never write in form after this contest, the skills you will learn will help improve your free verse too.
I loved, "I do not want to be your could-have-been" and wish that I had thought of that line myself.
It is always difficult to keep a perfect meter in a poem, but since you have chosen iambic pentameter for this one, L. 2 is out of meter. Since "after" is stressed on the first syllable the majority of that line is written in trochaic rather than iambic. If the beginning word of a line is two syllables the word should be stressed in the second syllable. "Blockades" is correct, "only" is not. OMG, school's out and I still sound like a teacher!
I am looking forward to reading the rest of the poems you create for this challenge. Peace, Liz
-
-
Thanks!
"So this is where we watch the fall of us
since building thick walls of bricks and cement?"
-i think this edit still conveys the message without interfering with the emotions. however...what do you think?
"mother nature and time can make the dent -"
-to get rid of an "only"
-i personally don't like the use of "mother" in there however i'm willing to make an exception for the sake of not losing any mechanical points. plus, the same basic message is still conveyed, so it works...right?
"‘cause it’s only when I’m naked…you melt."
change to...
"'cause when my clothes are on the floor...you melt."
your thoughts?
Again, thank you for pointing out the errors. Meter is a new concept for me.
-
-
Enjoyable read mate... havent tried the form myself, but looks interesting... the emotion smacks one in the face here... I do have a problem with your third line rhyme (because with us?) I'd suggest something like "winds mistrust" instead ? though may just be my ignorance in the form...
cheers and good luck
-
-
hmm i decided to keep "because" -- because, idk, "wind's mistrust" is too much of a good idea to put it in something that is my own.
however...that still was a good suggestion.
-
oh, wow, that's a great idea! i might use that actually. what a good suggestion...and it fits in with the meaning perfectly.
thanks for the critique/suggestion.
-
-
This was definitely an awesome job.
You have a great way with the words you display
and it's something NEW..ALWAYS NEW NEW NEW
Never the same - So wonderful job with that
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
