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Beg

I’m glad it was you,
In the here and now,
Who stole away with the innocence.

You took bits of my dress
And whittled them away with
Constant friction of the mind,
Constant moaning of your sores.

My eyes were left unsatisfied,
So I closed them.

I knew the elements of you, that night.

A piece of me hated you, that night.

I abhorred the way you taste,
The movements your lips make
When they graze over me.
I let you take what was rightfully mine,
The only thing that wasn’t touched by someone else--

You took it and held it up
Before your eyes could adjust to the light,
Set it gently in your pocket

And asked me if I was okay.

I gave you what was left of myself.
Now a new definition of me.

We molded together like clay soldiers.

It ended so quickly I didn’t have time
To plan out my next step.
You laid next to me,
Content with your work,
As your fingers traced their way down my ribcage,
And I slept only to wake and beg you
To keep the consciousness alive.

There was no lust in you that night.

Author notes

So in the part where I'm talking about lips and Abhorring the "way you taste" and whatnot...that stanza, should I change the tense of those few words? Where I say

"The movements your lips make
When they graze over mine."

I can't decide if it's bad like that, because it's a different tense than the rest of the poem...I'd say of course it is, but in this particular example, I'm not sure.

Help?

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Master Anarchy
    August 2

    Edit | Reply

    Just Swell

    re: author's notes, present vs past tense.

    This being poetry and not a prose historical recounting, there is certainly no a priori reason to. The present tense, especially standing in contrast to the rest of the piece being in past tense, heightens the emotionality, suggesting the narrator recalls in the moment the past as present. Whether that means that action still goes on or not is however ambiguous, so it is a gambit that swells rather than peaks as crashing waves do.

    M


  • cheaphotelsign
    August 2

    Edit | Reply
    i really dig this...incredible feel to this...reminded me of someone from my past...i like your style...your language choice and placement...the images are fantastic...this is one i can truly feel....thank you for this...best wishes in the contest.
    oh, i like the tense the way you have it now...my opinion, i guess cause it is similar to the way i think id have written it.


  • Ken-Maverick
    August 1

    Edit | Reply
    I wonderful take on the prompt poet,
    it's kinda like mine, sublte yet...
    you know what i mean, anyway all the best to you in the contest.

    Ken