Within the darkness shines a ray,
a piercing of the bleak cold pen
that brings to me the warming day,
brings life to dusky limbs again.
As bright ink spills across the page,
the feelings hidden deep inside,
revealed now, breaking past the gauge
I held in place to stem the tide.
What happens if the light shines in
and shines without as well? Without
the frigid, rigid hold, I spin
about and find that I'm in doubt.
Yet letting ink and lifeblood flow,
a warmth begins to pentrate.
Alive and limber limbs bestow
a suppleness to all substrates.
Awake again, I rise to find
a melting frost. Chill shards depart.
The cold dark night was in my mind;
now set aside with grateful heart.
As bright ink spills across the page,
a warmth begins to pentrate.
The cold dark night was in my mind.
Author notes
Playing around with iambic tetrameter with alternating rhyme, and a final 3-line unrhymed final stanza composed of repeated lines.
2009 July 30
In a list
Thank you for reading. Critical commentary welcome.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
The meter of this poem was wonderful, and gave it a lovely feel. It's strict use also allowed for contrast at the end in the form of unrhymed lines that did not feel like they were there because the author was unable to continue to rhythm, but rather to change the tone and way they are read.
I especially like the title and its use at the end of the first stanza.
-
-
I am so pleased you enjoyed it, and thank you!
I wasn't sure how others would respond to that shift in the final stanza. I'm glad you found it worked for you.
Thank you for the read, detailed commentary, and applause.
-
-
'and shines without as well? Without'
That line. There seem to be two spacs between the question and the 'without'. I think the second space makes me read it as though the without is part of the next line, so I read the next line as 'Without the fridgid, rigid hold' and then the 'I spin' was lonely and the line the without was meant to be in was cut short. Strangely, I don't think I'd have done that if there was only once space. Hm.
The final 3 unrhyming bits. By the time I got there, I was so into your lovely rhythm that the lack of a fourth line made the ending unnatural for me. The lack of rhyme didn't make it worse at all, though, which is nice.
What I dislike about this poem is that the two 'critical' things are only my opinion, which might be nice to know, but isn't necessarily any help at all, and then the rest of it was just darn lovely, and there's nothing to say apart from compliments that are also nice, but not very helpful.
Well that was a brilliant poem to read. Point made, and now I'll wash my plate.
-
-
Your comments are helpful, even if they are "only your own opinion." Thanks for the read and the detailed feedback, and the applause as well. In the first area you mentioned, I was using standard grammar and enjambment, so it does change the flow (which different readers will read in different ways). I was taught two blank spaces come after the period at the end of a sentence. As for the final stanza being both short and unrhymed, it was meant to stop the reader in a soft but almost jarring way, to force attention to that last stanza.
Glad you're washing your own plate. Them's house rules!
-
-
They are house rules, yeah, but I was at work, so I'm extra in the good books =]
Regardless of your intentions, once I get to the line that changes things, I'll read it the way I naturally would first, and then I automatically go back and read it so it fits with the flow.
I was also taught that two spaces come at the end of a sentence when writing on a computer, now you mention it. Of course, I read it my own way in the end anyway, so nothing really matters to me
As for the end, yes, that makes good sense. It's only my stubborn nature that doesn't read it nice and softly like you want.
-
-
-
Good flow and nicely-rhymed. The final three-line stanza works very well.
Good one,
Bill
-
-
Thanks very much for leaving some detailed commentary (and for the applause as well! )
-
-
"Yet letting ink and lifeblood flow,
a warmth begins to pentrate.
Alive and limber limbs bestow
a suppleness to all substrates."
My favorite stanza, well done sis!
-
-
Thank ya kindly, bro!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
