sometimes i will stand out in the thunder
and wonder if the lightning will take its anger out
on me,
because i always have been a good listener.
and it didn't come in handy with him, really
he only told me things i didn't want to hear,
his voice chained by sounds i didn't recognize-
and he didn't even know that it
hurt.
sometimes, i will stand looking in the bathroom mirror
and i will see who i am without him,
and i almost hope it will be the last image he will understand
before becoming it.
me, with my head below the water's surface,
whispering "impardonné" before everything
goes black.
i want him to watch the lightning
strangle me; my coffin the color of his eyes,
i want him to stand above it when they are saying
a prayer too soft to be mine.
he used to say i am beautiful with my pale glass skin,
well look at me now,
a stillborn chrysilis, marks on my hands from when
the electricity held them.
funny how things lifeless and things beautiful
all become the same.
the sounds of this death will be so silent,
and i only hope
he cannot listen without
hurting.
Author notes
impardonné - unforgiven.
A contest entry
- favorites; what have I missed? by coloringmysenses.
1750 points, ended October 5, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites for my FAVES only! by perfectsunset.
625 points, ended August 18, 70 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Invite only (Rounds Contest) by Blue-Rose Beauty.
750 points, ended September 4, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Silver dollars and empty lungs (prewrites) by Writing0Freedom.
600 points, ended December 1, 279 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 56 of 56
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you are impardonné for writing something so beautiful it makes my heart break.
you are gorgeous, love.
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Ado
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Awesome. I love how powerful this is.
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thank you!
I love getting comments from you
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funny how things lifeless and things beautiful
all become the same.
the sounds of this death will be so silent,
and i only hope
he cannot listen without
hurting.
- i really like this. it's powerful. so so so powerful.
you are powerful, love. -
this is really good.
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ouch. This poem has sharp teeth
Each stanza paks it's own punch...demanding you be heard. I find I hold my breath to read. wow what a powerful ending, and the visuals are stark reality...crime-scene photography. Kudos
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thank you. :]
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sometimes i will stand out in the thunder
and wonder if the lightning will take its anger out
on me,
because i always have been a good listener.
Wow.. those lines were extremely amazing.
This was such a beautiful poem.. I am amazed that each poem you have has the same consistency and the same emotion and this was just as good as the last.
Love the title, thanks for entering.
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the ending to this was just.
wow.
it was like a punch in the face
from a man youve loved
all your life.
this was stunning.
good luck.
Sophie
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You're absolutely incredible, do you know this?
I love the thoughts in this poem. I cannot express how much I love it, so maybe that will become some sort of a weird secret.
All throughout reading this, I felt the lightning take hold of my heart and throat. I was holding onto my breath and making my blood pump a little faster.
I love it when poetry does that to me.
This is stunning!
Thank you for entering <3
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thank you sooo much! :]
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mmmcha. get out of so many contests.
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hahah whattt?
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lol i mean you're tough competition
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hahah not to you!
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sometimes i will stand out in the thunder
and wonder if the lightning will take its anger out
on me,
because i always have been a good listener.
this. is. great.
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thank you so much. :]
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Grammar could be improved and not exactly what I was expecting from the title. Perhaps you could revise it?
Other than that, well-penned. Good luck in the contests you've entered this piece.
-corpse -
i love i love i love
just wow.
amazing <333
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Apart from grammar...
that was an outstanding read.
I absolutely love how you dance around the cause, never actually stating it.
amazing.
one thing, maybe the title could be reviewed...It doesn't quite fit.
x
Alyssa
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I'm so sorry if my comment was bad. I absolutely never meant to offend anyone.
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i'm not offended at all, don't worry about it.
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and grammar is generally irrelevant in poetry. free verse is almost never grammatically correct, if it's done well. if you don't even understand that i bet your writing is terrible.
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the title completely fits. that is what ties the entire thing together!
don't tell someone to revise something when you have no idea what you're talking about.
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thank you so much. :]
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This was so beautiful. I love how calm and serene it seems. I dont know thats just the feeling I get from it. And I'm not gonna lie I've done that before, sat out in the rain wondering if the lighting would it me and not caring much about if it did...Well done.
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This had some lovely imagery and
intense thoughts throughout.
Though I noticed a few grammatical
errors throughout.
This stanza really stuck out to me
"i want him to watch the lightning
strangle me; my coffin the color of his eyes,
i want him to stand above it when they are saying
a prayer too soft to be mine."
~gorgeous detailing.
Best of luck & thanks for entering
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i want him to watch the lightning
strangle me; my coffin the color of his eyes,
i want him to stand above it when they are saying
a prayer too soft to be mine.
those lines were so powerful. i loved this.
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i agree with new born.
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yeah, i definitely wrote this.
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I cried.
you are so amazing.
'sometimes i will stand out in the thunder
and wonder if the lightning will take its anger out
on me,
because i always have been a good listener.'
wow. just wow.
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Wow. This is freaking gorgeous
Every word hurt but the pain made the piece so much more intense. Your ability to write with such raw emotion stuns me and I envy your talent like no other
And I absolutely love the use of "impardonné" in here -- I have to agree with Candy Morphine on how different languages make poems so much more credible/meaningful.
Gahhh, this is amazinggg♥
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thank you so much. :]
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this aches.
astonishingly pure and tender and touching.
you poet, you.
keep doing you're poety things.
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holy shit.
i think i love you.
this is really amazing.
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thank you so much. :]
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brilliant piece that shows the definition of love i my eyes, how someone can hurt you so much and how you can still want to listen and take care of them. but you also showed the truth that sometimes they are too wrong to be right for you.
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me, with my head below the water's surface,
whispering "impardonné" before everything
goes black. ' wow. that is so beautiful.
this is so beautiful.
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because i always have been a good listener.
and it didn't come in handy with him
-hmm. i'm trying to work out whether 'but' sounds better than 'and'. i'm not sure.
love the use of different laguages. i don't know why, but it always gives a poem credibility.
me, with my head below the water's surface,
whispering "impardonné" before everything
goes black.
-i adore that in every way. the movement of imagery was almost calming. yet still slightly disturbing in its vividness.
funny how things lifeless and things beautiful
all become the same.
-can'tcomment.
you'vestoleneverywordicouldhopetospeak.
ouch
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"his voice chained by sounds i didn't recognize-
and he didn't even know that it
hurt."
that's my favorite part,
plus all of the references to lightning and electricity.
I like the way they feel when I read them.
*jealous of this poem & you*
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i think your more simpler poems are more powerful, like this one, because you can take words that people who have an average vocabulary can understand and put them together to make something beautiful.
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powerfully profound... i don't know what to say to you other than this is fucking good. I'm not sure if there is anyone's writing on this site that I feel as much as yours. When I feel void and emotionless I think I will just start coming by your page and read some of your poetry because it always makes me feel something.
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thank you so much, that's a huge compliment. :]
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wow.
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beautiful
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my god- this is powerful!
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this is my absolute favourite poem of yours.
it is so real, i could feel all this happening, and i think the reason that i like it so much is that i have had this happen to me, and can see it happening again. it's so easily relatable, which is why your words hit so hard.
wow, angela.
xx -
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thank you so much. <3
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I second bury your head's comment. You are incredible!
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thank you so much, ylova. :]
haha i'm really happy that you've been there pretty much my entire poetic journey, hearing your praise now really is awesome.
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ugh.
i am probably going to reread this all night long -
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haha it's like the weirdest thing i've ever written!
you're sillyyyy
but i love you anywayssss
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WEIRD?!!?!?! wrong.
best thing ever.
be weird everyday then -
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hahah i am weird everyday, it just doesn't usually effect my poetry so stronglyyyyy
we're such wonderdorks!
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oh my god. i can't think of any comment worthy of this. i'm amazed.
by the way, make swampbird read this. i think she would love it a lot too.
you're incredible, angela
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