Green screens and smoke machines,
mother's weak at the knees.
Insurance fees and baby screams,
food is what this child needs.
They nearly died together,
premature birth and high blood pressure.
They'd reached the end of a very long tether,
mother on morphine, son light as a feather.
The years brought many ups and downs,
toddler cheer and teenaged frowns.
He thought they'd be forever bound,
and that's when she stopped coming around.
She just never had time,
he was alone until nine.
She'd say "I'm working",
he'd say, "that's fine".
Mother came home one night
and was met with a god-awful fright.
Here sat her treasure,
with his newly pregnant wife.
She looked through squinted eyes at him.
Opening her mouth as if to speak -
- he finished it for her.
"You kept leaving home
and I was all alone.
So I grew up and
had a family on my own."
Author notes
Anyone think there parents aren't around enough?
A contest entry
- Top Two by ea.
400 points, ended August 3, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - perspective by The Slant.
700 points, ended August 14, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Never by musicalmousie.
700 points, ended August 16, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You can't turn back, because this road is all you'll ever have. by PaintedParisPassion.
625 points, ended August 27, 83 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Blooming Poet Has Returned With A Contest About Leaving by Blooming Poet.
400 points, ended October 27, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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My, you certainly make me glad I gave up years, and tears for my own. Very powerful. Can be a double-edged sword, though. Please read my poem, "At The Speed of Uh-Oh", you'll see what I mean. ...Still, I'd do it all again.
Thank you for re-affirming the stay at home Mammas out there.
A lovely pen, indeed.
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I like it
it always comes from an honest place
please bring those books tomorrow
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Insightful
Don't we all
Try to create what we thought we never had?
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Thanks for entering. This is not exactly what I had in mind, but I do admire your efforts.
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this is very touching and the last stanza for me packs a punch!! bravo my friend!! x x
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This was really sad but it told a story with great, emotional meaning behind it. I hope things are ok for you. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck
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This poem cleverly tells a sad story. I'm very impressed.
I enjoyed the simplicity of the verses. Thanks for entering!
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this was a beautiful poem. sad but still beautiful. i liked your rhyme scheme and how you shwed how you were feeling with your words. thanks for sharing with all of us here on allpoetry and i wish you good luck in the contests.
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Wo this was a great write..It brought tears to my eyes.. I can totally relate to this poem and I enjoyed reading it, it's very well done. thanks for sharing!
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this is a really interesting piece. something about your voice is really appealing, and the rhyme scheme held my attention. there are a few little things could be improves as far as word choice, but otherwise this is a fantastic poem. thanks for entering.
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my mom is around physically enough, but mentally...i may as well be living on my own. this was so sadly beautiful. you really did a wonderful job on it.
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You proved me wrong for thinking this would be a cliche poem. The ending was surprising and gives the poem's theme justice. I like how the more lines you've penned here came to a conclusion of an original concept.
I especially like how the rhymes blended well for the piece's tone to be lovely.
I like the story- poignant? melancholic? Something sad yet lovely in a way.
I'd like to answer the question in your AN and well, you can't blame parents for not being around enough since they're struggling to work with all their might to make their child's/children's life a bit easier in any way they can.
Wonderful poem, all in all
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I normally don't like most rhyming poems, but this one caught my attention because of the subject, and I really enjoyed it. The rhyme was good throughout, and I just feel that the situation you wrote about happens far too often. More and more, kids are growing up alone and therefore growing up way too fast. Not really sure anything can be done about that with the way our society is, but it is very sad. Glad you chose to write about such an important topic, what you wrote had a very nice flow to it.
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The rhyme and rhythm are great for the mood of the poem. The mother character could have been more developed, more foreboding almost, because the tragedy at the end wasn't as real as it could have been, but this is a great write! Keep writing
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the rhyme is perfect,
i can relate.
very well written.
i love the ending. eventually we all find the love we need
weather it be from our parent or from some one we find
along the journey to find our selves
cheer up honey.
it hurts now..
ice the sting.
-->smile through the tears<-- -
wow...this is really good..it took my breath away at the end
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wow
not only did you hit the nail on the head with that perfect rhyme scheme, you told a sad sad story with beautifully! my parents split upwhen i was 8 and i know how it can seem that way, its a horrible feeling, and i feel i can relate to this very very much. it seemed written so effortlessly and so was read just the same, very very smooth and way too acurate to be comfortable, if you know what i mean. i hope things work out for you. bravo.
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Yes I could really relate to this. I loved the break in rhythm second to last verse-it really reflected the mother's shock well. I thought it was very well written, well done
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Sam, dearest Sam! It is CAITLIN. C'est moi!
Anyway I already told you what I thought but I'll try to be more helpful this time.
So. I love the way this poem is so clear in its meaning, no cryptic bullshit, none of that, but it's still intelligent and wordy and rad. With the exception of the first line. I have no idea how one could infer the meaning of that, thinking it over a lot. 'But he just felt blown' also feels a bit forced as a rhyme.
But I had to think really hard to come up with that criticism. Lovely work, in all.
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A heart rending story, told beautifully. Okay, I'm going to offer some suggestions, I hope I don't offend you:
In the first quatrain, you use the word baby twice. I find that it is not a good idea to do that. I would change the sentence to 'food is what this CHILD needs', or infant, etc.. The word teather, I believe is spelled tether. The 4th and 5th quatrains are too abbreviated, they need to match the rhythm of the first 3. If you're not too pissed at me, I'd offer some suggestions, but I don't think I can write with the feeling that you have, and besides I don't know the story, and it would be presumptious of me. I'm giving maximum applause, because I like this very emotional piece, and I think it is worth a little more attention from you, maybe flesh it out a little. I'm just an amateur, but I can see this work holds promise.
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Parents are humans too with feelings hurts and dreams, just like everyone else.
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this is soo amazingly awsome
its so touching and sad
hope its not your life story mate
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*cough*
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The poem idea is awesome
It starts off strong and stumbles on the third stanza a bit and the fourth stanza last two lines feel as though it just ended to get the poem don. Can you go back on the last six lines and strengthen the write? This really deserves to be written! Give it a rest then come back and re-write it again. Again, a great idea and a great start!
Thanks for sharing.
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will revise soon
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