His soles are wore thin
from miles of travel each day
just to see my words appear before him
He hears my voice
a numbing chant, seeping into the depths
of his varnished heart; that's been frayed
And briefly he smiles. A lost smile unseen.
But he doesn't see the strain
of my smile turned up-side-down.
My yonder script riveting his pain.
what do you think.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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just a suggestion..i don't think that line "A lost smile unseen." is needed..the way you write the first stanza and the interlude into the second does a great job describing the sense of lost without you actually emphasizing it..but a beautiful poem..wonderful last stanza
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thank you for the suggestion, although i feel it fits the meter of the poem, also that line is important to me, this was written for someone very special in my life, who has written poems of his unseen smile.
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Nice
Nice comment
Still hidden though
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I love this writing style. You did a wonderful job with this piece. Your emotions spill into your write quite nicely. Thank you for entering.
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beautiful
This is a different style for you. I like how you've poured so much passion into the lines, but without compromising the direction of your thoughts. It's good to see you writing again.
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Wow... there's a tenderness in every word that lets your reader know how much you care about this person. It's touching with a hint of sadness to it. So much said in so few lines... I like the look of the poem as well... almost a cascading feel to the lines with the way they are indented I think it adds to the feel of the words. Great write!
Sidenote: Your author pic is tragically beautiful... very interesting... I like it too
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Oh wow...great emotion! Kind of short but it says a lot, I love people who have the talent to do that :]. Amazing write.
xo
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Captured
OH the emotion of that yonder script.
Beautiful writing for I know the muse
I guess we both have yonder script
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