Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Inconsequential Thunder

My heart
Forbids the right to be
So to be
I reserve for the likes of someone else
Cold brezzes
Whisper to me, secrets
I, fall off  within/into myself
Inconsequential strips of thunder emerge
Emotions
Slowly rage
Decaying off into an eterntiy
Masking forever
Detaining its face
Areas of shaded grey
Unmask the reality I forbade the right to be
That I reserved for the likes of someone else
But refused to her my plee

WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU READ THIS?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • acari27 gold member
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    Well, you are 14 and this seems to hold lots of emotion for someone so young.
    If you want my honesty i dislike centre alignment-but on the other hand it seems to be a trend among young writers-in my opinion it drastically impedes flow to look 'pretty' and whenever i see it i assume the writer is in their teens-but hey- if you like it and have a reason for doing it you should never succumb to the pressure of comments to change it. meh. its a subjective choice i guess. theres some gramattical and spelling errors which also detract from that powerful emotion you are conveying eg brezzes should be breezes, eterntiy should be eternity...because of this it makes me unsure whether you intended 'but refused to her my plee' or 'refused to hear my plee'....I cant say i dislike refuse to her my plee, but if thats the case the message is a little scrambled-and could be clearer-still i genuinely like the expression of the following:


    I reserve for the likes of someone else
    Cold breezes
    Whisper to me, secrets
    I, fall off within/into myself
    Inconsequential strips of thunder emerge
    Emotions
    Slowly rage

    really great- 14? wow-the words follow a lyrical flow thats inviting, a kind of universal frustration in these words.

    I feel to remix it completely to the words of another would be foolish eg James comment- stand by your feelings and your words-adopt others ideas as you so wish but dont lose the essence of you in doing it-or else your not you, your James interpretation of you


  • JamesHardy gold member
    July 28

    Edit | Reply

    My Interpretation and Improvement Sugggestions

    Shaunice,

    Check your spelling. It distracts from folks enjoying your work.

    Here is my interpretation of what you wrote:

    My heart forbids
    Life

    So for another
    Coldness

    Whisper to me
    Secrets

    I'm falling within
    Myself

    Inconsequential thunders clap
    Despair

    Slowly raging, decaying
    Emotions

    Reality masked forever
    Eternally

    My true face
    Shrouded

    In grey shades
    Detained

    I cannot banish
    Reality

    That I reserved
    Love

    For someone else
    Feeling

    Who refuses me
    Unheard

    Shaunice, take me someplace in your poem, give me movement, vivid emotions flowing one direction to a vital person, feeling or conclusion. I hope this helps!

    Jack


  • misticmoonlite gold member
    July 28
    Edit | Reply
    writes like this with a bit of tuning can be very nice, recheck the poe and if you like it the way it is super, keep penning


  • Sharon Marie gold member
    July 28

    Edit | Reply

    Hard to understand

    I'm sorry I tryed to understand your poem but it didn't work for me. Pretty heavy poem but it sounds very pretty the words all seem to rhyme with the flow. Better luck perhaps with another poem . Some of my writings at times are hard for some people to understand, as the one I just wrote this morning Old King Horn head. Not everybody writes the same everyone has their own unique style. I'm sorry! I have to be honest but love to read others ones that you've written.You are a very good writer just pretty deep alot wiser then you seem for your age.Have a great day shaunice.

    Blessngs
    Sharon


  • Bri-luv-joyy
    July 28

    Edit | Reply
    I feel a very deep emotion. this piece is very strong and I can see that you worked hard on it- and that hard work really paid off. I think it's beautiful and that you did a great job!!! =)


  • orangepeeling
    July 28

    Edit | Reply
    this was good , i enjoyed reading it.
    & just from reading it you write older then your age & probably act older .
    well brilliant write
    -lani


  • ScarletStainedTears
    July 28

    Edit | Reply
    i think that this piece really comes from the heart and i do think that this poem is very mature for some one of you age, but do think that it is a great piece


  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    July 28

    Edit | Reply
    I think that for the age you are, {you say you're 14} you show a lot of promise with this piece, promise and talent. I like the emotion you have caught here, which is also very good. This is quite deep and I really enjoyed reading it. Well done.

    Yours in Darkness
    Wayne Leon


  • penman gold member
    July 28
    Edit | Reply

    Interesting.

    Some very good thoughts shared in your verses. And you shared your emotions very well. Thank you for posting your words.

1 - 9 of 9