I wish that I could make my music sound like
A little girl drowning or a deer getting shot
Like complete tranquility, and innocence
Being completely overcome by sadness and brutality
Being filled with terror, and horror, and the last fleeting breath
Of desperation
I want my music and my words to make you cry.
Because when I cry bad things happen, and when I am alone
I find that circumstance deprives me of tears
And I need yours to make me feel better, so it's not like
Nobody understands, so that I am not so much by myself anymore
Because even though I am surrounded by people
I feel like I am completely alone
I want my thoughts and my feelings to make you scream.
Because I want to scream, until my throat hurts too much
Until my voice completely fades away, more quiet than a whisper
And I will be so angry by that, because I already am
And I will punch whatever is nearest, over and over
Until my knuckles bleed and throb and sting, and I don't have the energy
And maybe then I'll realize that ruining my body will not fix me
I want you to be alienated in a room of people
I want you to be slapped by an action, I want you to
Lay in bed with your lover's back towards you
You try to touch them, but you've made them mad again, because
You are stupid, and you wanted more attention then they could give
And so like a two yearold, you may have thrown a fit
So now you get no attention at all
I want you to want to try to hurt yourself
And when you do I hope you like it like I do
But I hope that you can stop before it hurts more then your nerves
Because people will always comment on your scars
And some people will stop talking to you even after you stop
The people you loved will not trust you ever again
And you will never get over it, because if you do it once, you'll want to do it forever
I want you to want try to run away
But when you do, nobody follows, because they don't notice, or
Perhaps they just wanted you gone, and now you are
Alone just like you feared, I thought someone would miss me
You thought I was wallowing in self pity, but now do you see
That I have no pity for something that no one loves
Something that no one believes
I want you to want to kill yourself
Because I want to do it too, and I am sad because I am alone in that
And I tried to show you what is wrong, and I wanted it to be graceful
And sad, like the music I am listening to, it is beautiful in it's misery
But I come out sounding as I am, an angry, sadistic teenager
Full of hatred and sorrow, there is nothing pretty inside me to pull out
Nothing for you to cry about, nothing for you to miss if I left
So now I want you to smile.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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"Because even though I am surrounded by people
I feel like I am completely alone"
I felt like this pretty much all the way through my teenage years (not because of my age).
"You are stupid, and you wanted more attention then they could give"
"And so like a two yearold, you may have thrown a fit
So now you get no attention at all"
I did this, too, a few times with my boyfriend.
"I want you to want to try to hurt yourself"
I have hurt myself; I don't want to anymore.
The next three stanzas would be hard for me to comment on, but I can say that the feelings depicted are very familiar to me.
"I want you to want to kill yourself"
I felt this way when I was 19. I cut my wrist but only managed to get a nerve repair surgery, stitches and psyche therapy. I'm glad. In therapy was where I first realized I was in a group of people and didn't feel alone.
I read this first as if the "you" is any reader, but I can see how "you" could possibly be the lover who turned his/her back to the "I".
This is a very expressive work of art and I commented because I was hoping that it might be useful to you to know that a fifty year old can understand the emotions here from first hand experience.
My best wishes and hopes (and prayers) are directed with you in mind. Mary
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I am always astonished at your ability to make me feel as if I'm being pulled under the surface of your pomes. Though I often find your poems a place amongst my favorites, this may heve topped out even 'Ghosts'.
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I'm trying to make this sound as un-lame as I can make it.
This is downright the best poem I have read on this website. Usually I don't like lenghty poems but I just could'nt stop reading this. The form, the choice of words and the emotion all fit together so perfectly.
Only two things,
mebbie to maybe
and agry to angry in the last stanza.
But hey, thats just being pedantic.
Rob. -
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Ha. That's what I get for not using spellcheck. Thanks man, I really wasn't sure about this one, so that you like it is pretty awsome. :]
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