time will tell

i've created a monster inside me,
that i've been fighting off for years
the one that takes over
and just makes me fearful
of losing everyone i love
and the trust i have in myself.
i can't fill this void
or replace the hands of an angel
so it makes every little situation harder to handle.

i've just been pacing down this road
and i don't know where it will lead me
in the past few months, i haven't asked for directions
i felt the need to be alone.
so i listen to their problems, and i help as much as i can
and i wonder when it'll be my turn.

i see helping hands around me
the ones that make me laugh and encourage me
they've leaned on me, and i can return the favor
but in all honesty, i don't know how.
for months, i've held it all in
my deepest concerns and fears
and i really don't know where to begin.

i'm not searching for sympathy
just someone to finally fall apart to
because i'm sick of doing this alone.
i haven't felt sad, i haven't felt pain
i've just felt numb and it's like i'm no longer sane
i haven't handled anything
i just tossed it aside
and wishing it would just go away.

but lonely nights are there
and they remind me of what I try to hide away
some nights i can't hold everything together
often times i feel like i'll give back in,
to who i used to be and how i used handle things
but instead i cry and try to manage

i've been strong, and i've been alive
my smile on my face has been real
but i'm always aware of my fears
this isn't a shout out for help
it's just to let you know,
i'm still not fully healed.

time will tell when i'm ready
for me to come out and say
what i really feel
and then, maybe the monster inside me
will permanently stay away.