by Gregg Rowe
The Difference Between Forgiving and Unconditional Love
A Letter of Unconditional Love From A Son To His Abusive Deceased Father
May 17th, 2001
Dear Dad:
Today I learned the difference between unconditional love and forgiving. Today I decided that I would allow myself to forgive you as a person who was not only my biological father, but also my abuser: sexually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To be able to do this, I had to reflect and process all the scars, physically and internally, that you branded into me through your actions. I also had to redirect my anger that I have been carrying around all these years into a new feeling: one of sadness.
We both have one thing in common as father and son: we both live with an incurable disease and addiction called alcoholism. I realize today, that like me, you could not control yourself while under the influence of alcohol. And as I go through this process of forgiving you, the person who lived with an uncontrollable illness, I am able to redirect my anger, resentment and hatred towards you into sadness so that I may allow myself to be grievous to my many losses throughout my life.
The very first loss that I need to grieve is the loss of an opportunity to know you as the person you should have been while sober. I carry around with me no happy moments (were they any?) of my childhood while you were raising me. All I have is a few black and white photographs of you and Mom standing outside our family home before I was conceived. And your wedding picture. You were a very handsome man (now I know where I get my handsome looks and hazel eyes from) and Mom was a beautiful bride. I am saddened that I did not have the opportunity to know this young man.
This forgiveness does not exempt you from the actions that you imposed and scarred me for life. I will and have the right to possess these memories because not only are they part of my everyday existence, they are also part of my character, personality, and individuality of my id and are mine until the end of my mortality.
These actions stagnated my growth and robbed me of my innocence, naiveté, and dreams of my childhood. These actions also became my nightmares during the day and almost broke my spirit and destroyed my future.
It is with caution that I write "almost destroyed my future", because I have discovered it is never too late to ask for help and I have humbled myself to this process and have entered a program to break the cycle of alcoholism and the circle of abuse that has been happening in our family for three generations, if not more.
This road to recovery has been a difficult one. Because of your actions, and others in my early childhood, I made a choice while I was in my early teens and twenties of not having children because I was afraid and fearful that I would be like you, and I did not want to risk hurting my child like you did your offspring.
By the time I did decide I wanted an heir, I discovered at the age of twenty-six that I would never be able to father a child. I am satisfying this parental need by helping other children who come from dysfunctional families to better their quality of life.
Certain actions through physical and sexual abuse that you imposed on me while I was a child, affected my sexual life as an adult and the physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual scars are still visible today. Your actions about sex, even before I knew what it was, left me in a state of confusion about my sexuality. For a long time, I had an innate battle if I was gay, straight or bi-sexual.
I am not forgiving you for these actions because I feel that you did not teach me the fundamental rule of thumb: that a relationship must include love and that sex is the exhilarating, enthusiastic and elated actions in a loving relationship.
For many years, I was afraid to enjoy the sexual acts that I willingly participated in. (Later in life, I would still be forced to participate in sex or raped by males because I did not have the courage to stand up for myself.) This is something that you ingrained within my character by always abusing me into a senseless coward, afraid of himself if he were to rise like a Phoenix.
These internal and physical scars have brought down my self-esteem as a young man. Your actions impregnated on my private parts during your drunkenness are an embarrassment to speak about to the questioner.
The emotional scars you left me with have been a daily battle. My female lovers have always been dominant and possessive. My search for a male lover who would be better than you, resulted in not only finding a clone of you, but also a replica of our relationship that resulted in keeping me in a shell that I am just learning to break out of.
Up until the age of twenty-five, I was comfortable with my bi-sexuality, even though through ignorance and intolerance, my family has abandoned me. It was also at this age that I gave up practicing my bi-sexuality with women and have had only a few safe-sex encounters with males that did not involve physical touching, but depended more upon the use of pornographic films and images. The reason for this is because through a long-term male relationship, I became HIV+. I came to this decision because I did not want to be criminally charged with the transmission of the virus, though I do know of all the precautions of engaging in a safe-sex relationship. It was because through your actions I became (un)trusting of everyone that entered my life -- no matter if they had good intentions for me or not. You and others had taught this to me, and I am only now slowly learning how to get over this.
I am hoping that one day I would be able to enjoy not only a loving relationship, but the art of making love for what the cosmic forces created it for: making love without images of you and others conjuring up in my mind while I am in the process. I need to explore my sexuality and I am not guilty if I am gay. I have come to terms with this part of my id.
I am using the term "cosmic forces" here, because I do not believe in God as some perceive Him to be in the religious sense because I have been raised with the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church because of my sexuality. This too was forced upon me by Mom's remarriage. Besides, before man made it one word, it used to be spelled G. O. D., before it became GOD, and then God. My philosophy is, it stands for Good, Orderly and Disciplined and if you have all these qualities within yourself, then you are God. But there is a superior cosmic force higher than man so that we remain good, orderly and disciplined within our mortality.
This is right now. My road of recovery. This letter is part of the process, since you have passed away and I cannot sit in front of you and speak or discuss these issues with you in person.
Through this process, I am learning to deal with my past so that I can live in the present and change my future. If I continue to remain stagnated with my past memories, I will have a relapse. But if I cultivate these experiences that you and others have left me, I can only benefit myself and live a better life with the rest of it that I have left. I have accepted my mortality, since I was given six months to live at the time of my diagnosis, but my cosmic forces have not called for me yet, maybe they want me to internalize all the negative issues of my spirit.
Yes, at the present moment, I am the carrier of two incurable diseases: alcoholism and HIV. And presently I carry psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical scars brought unto me by not only yourself and others, but also by myself. It was through my alcoholism that I stagnated my life and self-abused my temple. Yet, I have survived.
You could have physically killed me when I was a child when you were physically and sexually attacking my body. Because of this past and what statistics have recorded, I could have become a criminal: a paedophile, a child abuser, or a murderer. My male lover could have stabbed me to death that night he raped me and transmitted HIV to me. My HIV could have sent me to the grave sixteen years ago. But I have lived a survivor's life and tried to better myself, even while I was intoxicated and led a life in a stupor.
I want to thank you. I want to thank you and the others for these experiences that you taught me and send you my unconditional love. And only because of your illness, I forgive you. In a way, you have inspired me because it is through internalizing and intellectualizing my past and re-directing my anger to finally feel my sadness that I can and I am able to change my life.
My road to recovery will include a university degree, an avenue of creativity, and even though in the beginning when I started this journey I was afraid, scared and fearful, today I can say that a new Gregg is emerging and even though I didn't like what I saw in the beginning when I first started to sober up, because I had to deal with all this anger and resentment, there is a positive man emerging and I am beginning to fall in love with him.
Today, as my father, I am going to give you my unconditional love as a man who walked upon this earth with an illness, which in reality makes us two of a kind. I, on the other hand, have humbled myself to recognize my faults and actions of my past and am walking away a better man.
I am Phoenix.
Your son,
Dale
Author notes
NUMBER 3
I have signed this letter with my birth name, Dale. Please do not address me by that name because I HATE it, too many memories are involved with it, I prefer to be called by my nom de plume , Gregg, which I legally changed when I turned twenty-one.
Written May 17th, 2001
In a list
- Writings for My Father • next in list
- Canadian Essays • next in list
- Gregg's Golden Cups • next in list
- Gregg's Silver Cups • next in list
- The Honorables • next in list
A contest entry
- Life: The Contest by Miss Belligerence.
300 points, ended January 2, 2006, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Non-Fiction Por Favor by thealexrose.
700 points, ended December 24, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Phoenix Rising by RareFlower.
650 points, ended December 11, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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words written with such emotion
The power of your words had me feeling your emotion, you have touched my heart...You are truelly a Phoenx. Im sorry for your pain, may phoenix remain your closest friend. and in times of need let the bird continue to be a light for you.
Love and peace always
and good luck in the contest
RareFlower
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wow, this was powerful.
I myself am the child of an alcoholic. he was only verbally, mentally and sometimes physhically abusive to me though and most of the time he's sober now (he had 2 years and then went back out, now he does it about once every two months) so while I can't identify with your situation all that much I do understand what a powerful and dreadful diesease it is. I am in Alateen and have been for 4 years and it's helped me quite a lot.
thank you for this entry, it must have been hard to write
-gibson -
so essay/ stories are acceptable in the contest? i hope so cuz it would be a pity to have this cut.
this is very well done -
.....excellant....
i dont even know what to say...only that i know exactly what you feel like.....i mean me and you, you and me....were the same.....i know what it feels like to go throught situations like that, as do you......and i just want to say...that you...are like a mentor to me.....and i know i dont know you, nor you to me, but...the way you forgive, the way you live, the way you arent bitter and hateful...thats what i want for myself....and...i just want to be able to trust again....you have...made alot of things clearer to me....and i know that im only 15...physically that is....mentally...well...mentally im alot older than people think....and im so grateful that you wrote this......you have touched me....thank you -
Ah, such a sad and inspiring letter. I'm sorry you had to go through all this in the past. You're very courageous for living through it. I pray that your future will be a happy and fulfilling one because you deserve it. Excellent job. Keep writing.
~CT -
Awesome.
This is really really really awesome. Thanks for entering and i cant' say for sure but this might be the best one i have gotten so far. Thanks so much. It shows courage and hardships and everything. -
excellent
So sad so inspiring so well written wonderful -
Moving, courageous
Gregg, you've survived so much and still have managed to become a loving, forgiving soul. That takes so much courage and strength of character. This letter to your father is incredibly moving.
My highest regards to you.
Good luck in this contest.
Sincerely,
Serenem~Melinda -
Ah, Gregg. There is a part of me that already knew these things about you: the counselor part. I pray that you reach all the heights you desire of the Phoenix rising. ALL things are possible in the Lord!
I entered a poem in this same contest,"Victims All," which you might want to read. Then you will know from whence I came. Fortunately, I was able to talk with my mother about my childhood; albeit, she died never owning what she had done. My stepfather, on the other hand, was receptive and so sorry for the things he had done. Still, my healing did not depend on either one of them apologizing for their sins against me; for i had forgiven them both even as a child. By the grace of God, I realized that it wasn't me, it was their own emotional instabilities. Rather, Lucifer, as you will read in my poem.
Good luck in the contest, Gregg! Love and hugs, BonnieQ
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Excellent
I see you as a messenger.. a bearer of hope and love for the future. You have restored my trust of the human emotions of love , trust and hope. Impassioned forgivness is a wonderful gift to share..........I salute you
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Thanks for submitting this Gregg, there are things you talk about here that most people balk from or avoid, yet who knows how many people have suffered from what you have and more, what is important is what you have become and that is what is the light in the darkness to those anonymous others who are lost, a light of hope that there can be a better tomorrow, that all they have lost can be regained that it is you who finally decides what you will become. That no one can destroy you no matter what if you yourself will refuse to be destroyed... and most important of all that one can rise above it all to feeling that most divine of all feelings Mercy and compassion and forgive the one person who has hurt one most.
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Hi Anais Elaine: Precisely why I wrote this letter was not only to heal myself, but to give others a foundation to help them heal themselves. I hope that I am doing my job, because the world needs a lot of healing right now from people,s past mistakes, if not, then there will always be conflicts and wars and that is just not right. What we need is more compassion and love in the world, there are so many life-filled positiveness when this happens. Gregg
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Hi UsedandAbused: A lot of people have asked me that same question and I can honestly say that after twenty years I would be able to sit down and confront him with these issues, no matter what the outcome would be. I am saddened that I cannot though, and rely on this letter constantly to remind me of where I came from and how far I have come. Thanks for the trophy, I really appreciate it for this write. gregg
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Dearest Gregg
I read this before the contest closed and prayed this would win. I cried and left no comment then ~ just crossed my fingers for you.
You truly are a remarkable man who i respect so much for your courage bravery and compassion. I do not have your compassion or your strength.. i pray someday i will. I cannot write the letter[s] to all my abusers yet ~ am trying to forgive myself still and be kind to me.
May you remain well, and long may you continue to write with such skill, honesty and depth.
Take care
elaine x -
Oh Gregg, this letter was so sad, I cried while reading and am still. My heart feels for you, all you went through as a child, and then also as an adult.
Not one word of this letter sounded bitter, like Usedand Abused says, you wrote with compassion, and unconditional love. This letter came from your heart, and I know your father will now know that you forgive him, may he rest in peace.
I am so sorry I did not get to read this letter before the contest ended, and I am not really sure if these are the right words, but Congratulations on winning your trophy, My heart goes out to you, and I prey that now, you will live a happy life,
Take care and stay strong
Elaine
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This is so powerful, you are a very strong and couragous person, to write this took strength. Just wondering, do you think you could have written this were he still alive? Not a bitter tone in any of your words, written with compassion and unconditional love. This is an exceptional write, thank you for sharing.....
stay strong
UsedandAbused -
I commend you for being able to write this letter, I have not been able to forgive my father or mother for the things they did to me, you have a strength I think unmatched by anyone I know, I wish I could write a letter like this, but I just think of the things they did. I actually faced my father before he died, he laughed in my face, my mother too, who is still alive. I am angry that I never had their love and angry with other issues too, I never turned to drink or drugs, but I was suicidal and attempted to take my own life, I know I am stronger now than I would have been and I have coped well, but I think I still have issues, I can see that after reading your letter. This made me cry, I could feel every word that you wrote, take care and stay strong
sanity. -
Gregg, my oh my what can I say here... it seems our childhoods were simuliar (sp) with the sexual and physical abuse. I too wrote my dad a letter, a 10 page one with all my emotions coiled up and ready to strike him but I never mailed it. I've never really 'faced' my dad with what he did to me, I've just stayed away from him. I got word Saturday that he has had a stroke and will be dying very soon and my heart just tugs at me to go and see him and tell him that I've forgiven him. I probably will... *sigh*.. I have no idea really why I am telling you this, you have far worse, bigger problems than I. Perhaps I just know that you would understand. SOrry for rambling.
Once again you have deeply touched me with your words. I am amazed at your honestly and your boldness. Your courage and your strength just overwhelms me. You don't seem to be bitter and that is so good and commendable. God bless you Gregg. ~Melissa -
I too had to write a letter. If you are interested I will share the link. I became an alcoholic and drug abuser as a result of the action that were perpertrated on me as a child, from the ages 7 through 12 by a cousin, who was also our baby sitter, go figure! I started drinking at 12, and did not stop until I was well over 40 (42 years old as a matter of fact). This is haunting... but very theraputic. I can identify and relate Gregg, and I hold you dear. I am very surprised that I did not contract HIV or sometime of STD. My promescurity was unbelieveable until I found a young man at the age of 18 who I shared the anger and hurt with. I trusted him and he has never betrayed my trust, he is now my husband and has been for 31 years. He went through my drugging and drinking and stayed by my side. I love him dearly. This letter was necessary. I hope it freed you up. I also wrote a letter to my mother, I blamed her for so long for letting this happen to me. I told her, the first time it happened, I told her, she took care of it she thought. He kept on until I threatened to tell my dad, evidentally she never told daddy or he would have killed my cousin. It's over now and I cannot and will not be hurt again. You keep forgiving and living and loving, and know that I am here. You healed some of those inside scars, there not even scabs left... GOD bless you, I love you dearly!
Much Love,
Renee
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I can't even begin to fathom what to say. The things you have been through, and seen.... and felt. While these things are things that no one on this earth no matter who they are should hav eto suffer, you have truly risen as you say. You are the pheonix, rising from the proverbial tainted ashes....
Those ashes were never yours, but in life you were forced to struggle through them anyhow.
Your an amazing person. Your amazing most of all because you have every right to be so filled with hatred, but you are willing to deal and forgive...to live with the past and the future.
I commend you and wish you every advantage and every beautiful sunny day possible. I wish you ever beauty... and I need not wish you courage because you are obviously a very fortuitous person.
I want to say good luck... but that seems like an horribly meaningless phrase compared to this world of tragedy and treasures
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From one survivor to another, I am so proud of you and happy that you have come to this point! Brings me to tears. You have been on a long journey and indeed you are the Phoenix I have been able to forgive many people who have hurt me in my life but as of yet not the one who abused me...in time I believe that will come. The best we can do is take the past and use it to make us stronger and good for us! Thank you for sharing such a touching and private part of your life.
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