First and most importantly, this is not a letter to God in the religious sense that we as a society have been raised to believe in as Catholics, Protestants, Christians et al. This is a letter to my God and my concept and perception of him/her.
My god is the god that use to be all capitalized, as in G O D. With this capitalization it is an acronym standing for GOOD, ORDERLY and DISCIPLINED. I believe that if I am Good, Orderly, and Disciplined in my human life, I am, therefore, my own G O D.
And if I am my own G O D, then I need a cosmic force greater than myself to remain balanced in my existence. I. therefore, believe, in a higher superior cosmic force in this great universe.
So I am writing to you, my G O D, a thank-you letter.
First, I would like to thank you for making me a survivor. Not once, when, as a child, I was a victim of physical and sexual abuse by my father, my babysitters, my cousins and aunts (who are really not blood relatives of mine but who were friends of the family -- more friends of my father). Nope, once was not enough. At the age of twenty, after work at Hy's restaurant in Vancouver, I was kidnapped by three men and raped in an apartment building somewhere near the seawall. But it never seemed to stop. After putting that incident in the dark corners of my mind, I settled down with a lover and one night in a drunken stupor, with a knife to my throat, again I was forcibly attacked.
But yet I want to thank you for these experiences, because they gave me the strength to deal with the devastating result of the last rape--the HIV infection that is flowing through my life veins of my temple.
I am thanking you for these experiences for a multitude of reasons. They have made me a compassionate person towards diversity. I am thanking you for these experiences because they have nurtured my psyche. One must see cumulus clouds and torrents of earth before one hears the song of his soul. I am thanking you because in order for me to internalize the violence against me, I had to hear the violence within me.
I am thanking you G O D, because most people cannot perceive that some humans are evil and cannot perceive someone could experience all this in a lifetime.
I thank you G O D for letting me see my fortieth birthday. I am thanking you, because during the past forty years, I have been on a journey of wisdom that I received through my experiences to become knowledgeable. And I am compassionate, loving, understanding, and open to all diversities of the world.
I am thanking you because I am non-judgemental, forgiving, non-prejudice and learning to release my anger in constructive ways.
You taught me to value love and life. I have not committed suicide to end the torment of my nightmares nor am I a criminal sitting in a jail cell.
I am thanking you because you have filled my journey of life with -- not what the world perceives that will make them happy (which of course is the proverbial dollar) -- but with the riches of friends. The two-fold friendships. My friends from the past where our paths join now again, and then the new friends who have joined us on this journey.
I am thanking you for all the angels that you have sent me in human form. They have guarded and protected me well.
I am thanking you G O D for creating me. If I am to display anger in my creativity, it is so I can control it so I don't abuse my friends and angels. If I am sad in my writing, it is so I can smile in life. If I am upset in my dialogue, it is so I can speak positively without having to hold my tongue.
I am also thanking you for making me gay. As if I didn't have enough evil experiences in my life, you had to tag me in society as a minority. Not once, but twice, making coming out a reason to doubly party in my life by making me positive (HIV positive). What more could I look for in my already difficult life?
While I learned experiences from this, I discovered surrogate families versus biological siblings. I discovered the evils of discrimination, prejudice, and condemnation.
And I discovered wake-up calls. I learned to become a recovering alcoholic and a benefit to society.
And I discovered advocacy = anger: venting positively.
I thank you for making me a writer. It taught me that people care when you are honest -- and vulnerable. But you have given me a passionate innate art, that I furiously aim to develop...no matter how much borrowed time I have left.
But G O D --
I need to ask you, did you have to throw so many darts and devils my way for me to be the person I am today?
As a human, and as Gregg today, I say YES...a resounding YES!!!
So I just want to thank you for teaching and giving me the tools and techniques of survival, for making Gregg, Gregg, and for giving me the gift of writing.
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