Porch light flickers and dies,
"Mikey's gone."
Whispered words and sudden silence,
something's wrong.
Running inside, downstairs, through rooms,
fallen safety gate.
She flies upstairs in frantic fear, I follow.
We're too late.
Blackened socket, charred toy truck
He lies there,
arm outstretched, body limp, eyes open,
I can't get air.
Teri screams, a piercing, eerie sound,
children can't die.
But Mikey doesn't move, doesn't breathe, never will.
can't cry, children don't die.
Author notes
just finished reading Laurie Halse Anderson's Catalyst. I cried, it was one of the saddest stories I have ever read. You should read it...everyone should read it. Such a horrible thing to witness.
For Contest:
~Title: Catalyst
~Author: Laurie Halse Anderson
~Characters:
Kate Malone as the narrator/speaker
Teri and Mikey Litch
amazon link
http://www.amazon.com/Catalyst-Laurie-Halse-Anderson/dp/0142400017/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-6401183-6350848?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191129514&sr=1-1
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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A very sad and hearbreaking piece of writing this is. Deep emotions here too. There is denial in those words, but denial comes with shock. Keep wrting.
Dark
Wishes
Wayne Leon
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Wow. This is moving and powerful. How true that children, so full of life, should never be able to die. I have recurring nightmares about something awful happening to my son -- common to most parents, I am sure.
Wonderfully constructed. The rhyme is subtle and works well with this one. Excellent. May inspire a nightmare.
Garrison
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My
This is such a deep and sad write that one can only hope is not true. So graphic and yet heart rendering. I that grandpa must pray now
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I agree with the previous comment. There is such denial in those words. Sometimes we lie to try and fool ourselves into oblivion. Great poem.
Good Luck,
Erika
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"Children can't die". I like the denial in it. Interesting, sad, and I like the use of the specific name of "Mikey" and toys, linking the death early before "children don't die" to a child.
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wow!
How very tragic!
Thanks for sharing this with me.
doesn't move, doesn't breathe, never will.
can't cry, children don't die. -
Chilling…this was a very interesting write based on a novel…hope that I could read that novel for your poem provided a very captivating synopsis…
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wow - i got a shiver up my spine as i read this
well done and good luck -
"somethings wrong." - "somethings" would be "something's". With the apostrophe. As in: "something is wrong.".
If you're into depressing stories you should see the movie: "Daremo shiranai" (english: Nobody Knows). It's based on a true story, and it's quite depressing.
No room for happy endings.
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Thank you for your comments. I have fixed my apostrophe error and I thank you for pointing it out!
I do enjoy depressing stories I have to admit and I will look up this Daremo Shiranai" you mentioned...it sounds Asian and that is another thing I am very interested in.
Thank you again for reading and commenting.
~Laura
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Oh god, this is horrifying and tragic, I can't imagine. The way you wrote this poem was like all raw emotion. I felt like I was rushing to find him with them. And "were too late" hit you so hard, and "children don't die". Its so effective for some reason. Probably because you're a great writer. awesome job!
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Wow, no other word describes it, thank god its fictional! It was a brilliant poem, every line was perfect, and the language used prefectly conveyed the emotions and pain, good work, best of luck
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Shivers!
Your poem brought shivers to my bones!
A chilling recounting of the feelings of those left behind ... I can still see the pictures you painted in my mind's eye ... chilling.
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This is very sad.
I like the sometimes-subtle rhyme. You wrote this really well.
Though, I have some suggestions that might improve this great poem:
-The orang-red and blue really clash with the purple of the rose background. I suggest changing your font coor to a matching purple.
-"Teri screams, a piercing, eerie sound,
children can't die."
I think you should alter it to something along the lines of: "Teri screams, a piercing and eerie sound. A child cannot die."
Thank you for entering my contest. I hope you do not take offense to my suggestions, I just want to help you perfect this really good piece.
Good Luck!
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Wow...oh wow...
You do such a good job at conveying this fear and panic and raw emotion. You shift it to sudden grief and lamentations and the last line drops the reader off a cliff. The pure yet raw beauty is so wonderful. You incorporate so many emotions and do it so concisely. You don't lose the reader.
I really enjoyed this write. Thank you so much for sharing it with us here at Allpoetry.
Absolutely beautiful write. Nice job here.
Best of luck in the contest.
Best regards,
-Nathan -
Saying directly "children can't die" is so effective. Very strong emotive piece. Great job. Congratulations on your trophy.
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I have not read this book, but your poem definitly makes me want to. It is a very heart wrenching piece. I am, by nature, not someone who can absorb the emotion of words very well. But you have done a wonderful job here, the last stanza in particular. Something about the lines "children don't die" gives such an impacting sadness and helplessness one cannot help but feel what the characters were feeling.
You had a very interesting presentation with your lines, long then short, long than short, and I really love the feel it gave to the work itself. It gave it a very unique and beautiful flow.
I really don't like to give only praise when critiquing a poem, but to be honest I wouldn't change anything about this piece.
Thank you so much for sharing it with me, it is greatly appreciated. -
Kids love putting things into the electrical plug ins. Even when you tell them not to, they will, just to try it out. Causes such tragic situations.
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Alot to be said in one little piece but like they say a little bit goes a long way. very detailed very sad but a good write
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this was so poignant with such few words, the truck leaves a haunting image, its very well written, a shame it has to be highlighted to be read, but was worth the effost, and i totally agree, children are not suppose to die
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Oh my goodness, this is a really powerful piece. It's so sad. I can relate to the worry with children getting hurt. My 15 month nephew lives with me currently and is always putting himself in harms way. Thank goodness we have been quick to notice so far. Thanks for sharing.
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A sad tale you tell here - have never read the book so not up on what happened. Good write though.
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Oh children. Such...it's like that they're still so new we worry that they'll be taken back at any given moment. We worry for a while, I'm sure.
Thanks for entering!
trick -
aww
aww.. very nice piece... i partically like:
Blackened socket, charred toy truck
He lies there,
arm outstretched, body limp, eyes open,
I can't get air.
Teri screams, a piercing, eerie sound,
children can't die.
But Mikey doesn't move, doesn't breathe, never will.
can't cry, children don't die.
^^ i believe those have the main feelings in them.. nice work..
keep it up
~**~ Alissa ~**~ -
Ohh wow.
Hey again...you can write, i think.
this is strangely reminiscent of one time i got 13 stiched across my face from a dog bite...we were all playing hide-and-go-seek tag when it was dark...so yeah, dunno why. freakin' good shat, this is.
im trying to write again, i think. ill try to keep reading.
im trying that some more. -
How true it is. Such a tragedy when children die. I don't think I could ever imagine the true horror of it. I have never read that book, but I may check it out. Although it doesn't sound very happy (but most good books are not). Thanks for entering my contest.
Jessica -
Lots of emotion in such little words. Incredible though. I like that you have the idea that children can't die. You paint a very beautiful yet horrifying picture with your words. It gives me that little spark of hope that my Raven will live through her illness. Keep dreaming in ink.
~*Divine*~ -
How delicate can life be, we do bungie jumps, rollercoasters, swim thousands of yards, or commute around an interstate at 80mph and yet, it takes only a whisk to turn an incident to accident, and a sad tragedy...how even more delicate the life of a child who knows not of dangers and the great responsability of parenting. ~ Very profound write...children no matter where should never die, I agree...even children who also are victims of collateral damage and statistical casualties in war. ~ Juan Anguas
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This is a very well written poem, i have never read the book but the poem you did is great, i agree with you 110% no child should have to die so young.
Brooke
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beautiful and touching.
thank you so much for letting me read that book. it was sooo good. now we just have to get a hold of the third one.
back to the poem...well, i don't really have to say anything, you know how much i love your writing. you know i'd promote you if i had the points. <3 ya!!!
Samantha -
wow deep did that really happen or were u jus thinkin bout if sumthin like that did?
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It's the same human life, but when children die it's so much more painful, because they are children with their whole life ahead of them...To die having never experienced the joys of life is so unfair... And for parents to have to bury their child... Horrible pain... Wonderful poem, very emotional.
~Anastasia -
i completly agree. my fathers biggest rule as a paretn is that no paretn should have to bary their child. my best friend died when i was seven. i was..... i dont think there is a word to justify the pain, and shock and confusion i felt. sadly in a world thriving with violence, it happend to thousands of children every day. its........sick?
>KaeLea -
I love that book.
it is sad...but I dunno.
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