child

i'm very much a child of this world,
this society
they marked and chose me early on
their fingerprints
showed clearly on my skin--
bruises
beatings

at six i remember
thinking, i want more than this
dreams of grandeur
i wanted fame (want it still)
monetary and sparkling
i've heard no sane person could want it
i do anyway
i'm young hollywood

at ten i first
picked up a knife
to etch my sorrows onto my
veneer
i already knew it was flawed and i
was ashamed
it became a constant battle
against the mirror
and i never won
not once

at eleven my mother,
riddled with abuse,
began to call me fat-- it was baby fat
she was just being mean
i didn't know it and it
added to what i felt was wrong with me
i started skipping meals
i lost all my baby fat
i lost more after it was gone
this lasted for many years
i'm still fighting it
now

at fifteen i smoked my first cigarette
at sixteen i picked up
both the bottle and the bong
at seventeen i fell in love with cocaine
at eighteen i dropped acid
and painted the walls with sound
at nineteen i found d.o.c.
it distorted everything
i never quite recuperated
and still at nineteen, i think i'm crazy and i
have been hit by a
prescription trainwreck
adderall, i'm in love

no society but ours could have bred me:
all hands and mouth
no eyes to see reality with
wanting more and more poison
and begging to be spoonfed

i don't pretend to be any more than i am