Dearest Mother,
I am drunk, so please excuse my drunken boldness. It's the only way to open up enough to be honest. I would not ever have the nerve otherwise. I'm cursed with this desire to think everything is my fault and no one elses. Only when I've reached this level of drunkeness do I become aware that my life, you so graciously gave to me, then destroyed for your entertainment, am I able to see and speak the truth.
You call me in an absolute attempt to make me feel the guilt you so lovingly hold on to. You mistakenly gave birth to a child that could see through your utter bullshit and you hate me for it. And I may be your mistake, but my life is not. Do you understand?
I didn't think so.
My life is mine and mine alone. I choose where I go from where you left off. I could use you as an excuse, as so many others in the past have used their mothers as excuses, but I won't. You suck far to much for me to give you that much respect.
Do you even realize how hard it is for me to say this? Of course not. You're too busy trying to wipe away the past and point the finger at me for your failures. I can't help you were slack as a mother and a wife. I was only your offspring, caught in the middle of trying to be a daughter and a sex slave. Keeping my lips sealed for your sake, while you hated me for being who I was...
Your daughter.
But, for your information, while your wiping away the past, I'm finally seeing it.
Naturally, no one wants to know these facts. But, that too, is your fault. I never asked you to spread your legs wide enough to let me enter this world. I would have much rather drown in your amniotic fluid, but that wasn't funny enough for you. You shot me out from between your thighs like a bullet from a gun and ever since then, I've been cursed.
I'm not certain how to deal with what I've so boldly said. As I know it's the truth, I also know it hurts my heart. Not that that is anything new. Heart pain is a but another breath taken in deep sighs to me, it's become so common... but you... you're not so common. You are a wonder of how did I ever refer to you as my mother in the first place.
I fear I'm reaching my end. I'm not so sure though.
Once again,
~Kristie.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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You don’t deal with your parents you deal with yourself they gave you birth you give yourself life………your happiness can only be their failure destroy them with a smile.
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I'm trying. I'm trying with all I am and all I hope to be to be better than what they expected... (or didn't expect of me), I should say. They expect me to cave, I won't give it to them. Thank you very much.
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utter heartbreak
once again there is beauty here. just have to be able to see it.
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Again, I thank you. It drives me crazy sometimes, to read the shit I have to write. I would like to be able to sit down and write something lighthearted, but I don't really know what that is. I'm learning it now, though. So maybe one day. I've had to carry this crap with me all my life and I've made some ridiculous, horrible choices in attempts to make my life better, thinking at the time, the choices I was making would lead me to a better way of life, only to see that it was just leading me into something far worse.
At the age of 25, I should be 80 and about dead. I'm having to pretend I'm 15 all over again, the age where I left home, and start over from there. Drinking, even with all of it's negative effects that can occur, is helping me to come out of this fear I've wrapped myself in my whole life, and is making it possible to send these letters to my parents.
I've rambled.
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"I fear I'm reaching my end."
No yer not.
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I love you.
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Love you too.
How are you? What's on your mind?
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I'm doing good.
I guess what's on my mind is the time is finally coming where I'm going to have to say everything I never said all these years. I've sat around and held everything in, until I absolutely had to get it out. It's funny, you remember a few months back where I had to go into evaluation? Well, since then, I've been drinking. Pretty much every single night. I don't think I'm doing it to be a drunk, but I do it because, during the day I'm a wreck. I live in a constant panic attack and my nerves are fucking shot and I can't think clearly, at all. I feel confused and lost and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel out of place and strange.
At night, I drink, and I start to relax and everything becomes crystal clear. My mind slows down and stops thinking about 400 things at once and it focuses on things I've been hiding and I've been trying to get it all out by writing or talking to J. I've accepted pretty much what has happened to Landon and me. It doesn't make it any less painful, but I've finally accepted it. I still cry and I still miss him of course and will still write about him, but I have accepted it and now I feel I can move forward.
But now that I'm moving forward with that, everything my parents did is coming back to me. I never dealt with this. See, I left at 15. And they allowed me to. Because they knew they were fucking me. They knew they were beating me. They knew they didn't love me so me leaving was freedom for them. But I ran away from them, I didn't deal with them and now the time is coming to deal with them and I'm preparing myself for it because it's not going to be pretty. It's going to be the ugliest thing I've ever experienced because had it not been for them, my life would have been good. I would not be here having to tell you all this. If it had not been for them, I would not have had to run from them into "the arms of another abuser", to use such a cliched term, and I would never have lost my son.
They are the cause for my downfall. They are the cause of why my life has been shit from day one. They are the cause for my fears, paranoia, sadness, anger, lack of trust, anxiety and inability to function outside of my house normally and I think it's time that they know it. I know they won't care. They never have, why would they now? But by the time I'm done, they will both wish I had been aborted.
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