--
i feel like my eyes were impaled with hail around midnight, because that's when my dreams fell into their accurate compartments. my eyes flushed with fury and i have never screamed so quietly into the center of my mascara stained pillowcase. the multi-colored staples aren't holding me together anymore with their abstract beauty, and my heart is bargaining to strain outward from my arteries. this is too much.
---
it's confidential, you know;
she collected our friendship within dusty notebook pages, rolled it up into a ball about the size of the earth's equator, and elaborately tossed it into the garbage bin on her way out of my life. i significantly held my head high, even though paper planes were landing in the opening of my airway; leaving me choking on forgiveness all over again. i never forget to draw on that smile with a mechanical pencil, because it always completed a fine line between sorrow and happiness.
but this is bullshit.
i don't have enough fingers to count how many images i've concreted into my memory because of her. we've conveyed laughter into our conversations, and listened as one another ran smack dab into a brick wall. last december was our paradise, and we fell in love with opposite boys who we thought completed every empty space that raped of our conscience. when our minds direct to galaxies and our fists are clenched after degrading heartbreak, our souls became molded together. but now, i feel like a tornado trampled through my secrets and burrowed beneath my esophagus.
i am battered.
--
it's a mystery, you know;
how ironic it really is.
after over a year of wrapping him in golden stripped lace and moistening his flaws with compassion, i've come to the realization that my hazel eyes have been patiently struggling to catch a glimpse of our future. i hadn't noticed that his charm has stolen my right to fall in love with someone else until i had the opportunity to clutch someone else's innocence, but strictly turned the other cheek. he invaded the black and white photographs posted to my bedroom door, and wrote me off as easily as he swept me off my feet.
so i've written blank checks and sent them via instant messages to allow him to offer a price to win him over, but each time he voids the check, as he carries me like a t-shirt over his shoulder. he told me he wanted me, but what exactly does that imply?
'i want you when i'm lonely. i want you when i'm incapable of lifting myself from this kitchen tiled floor. i want you when no one else will take me as i am.'
i must've misread the fine print when he showed up ragged and used at my front door. or maybe, i wanted to believe there were no extra fees that dangled in his shadow. i wanted to love him. but this. i don't want any of this.
i am bruised.
--
it's hidden behind the maroon tinted curtains, you know;
so there's this boy;
fuck, that's cliche. but it's a relevant story that pieces my secrets into place. he's committed to something; this country. he's grown up, and shown me the true meaning of living life to the fullest. i almost slipped when he cradled his fingers around my knuckles, brushing them with his lips, leaving me breathless in the most unexplainable way. it's the complete opposite of what you'd endure from certain moments; it's not the 'oh-he's-everything-i've-ever-dreamed-of' emotion that consoles my upset stomach, it's the fact that he has never let me down when i'm collapsed at my knees.
'i talk about you a lot, you know. and i'm going to miss you the most,' he told me as he tightened his arms around my collarbone.
we've never spoken or even mouthed goodbye to each other, because there's some glimpse of hope in something as simple as 'seeyoulater.'
he makes me believe that there is a reason beyond pride to struggle for whatever it is i truly wake up for every morning. he makes me look forward to another moment where he arrives in vintage olive drab colors, embracing me with the recollection that things will be okay. he is the soundtrack that completes the storyline of this dramatic hollywood feature that will eventually reach its 'happy ending.'
but i am not broken.
i am just terribly confused.
but for once,
i can promise that it's for all the right reasons.
Adding your comment:
I can't really pick out favorite lines because this was so incredibly personal and beautiful and I loved everything in here. However, I will say that:
