Icy water
is running through my veins.
I try to move, but I'm paralyzed.
Lonely moments
are forever taking all of my time.
I long to hear you say my name
but I guess you lost your voice.
I just want to see your face
but I cannot open my eyes.
I lay here broken and battered.
Numb to the whole world.
I'm up, I'm down
like a roller coaster racing
through my life
I.............
Erase the past again.
Author notes
this is the first thing i have written in a good while so i would really appreciate any kind of constructive criticism. Thanks.
A contest entry
- Beautiful Poetry please... by kiwigirljacks.
700 points, ended July 24, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
comments from the peanut gallery
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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The comparisons and contrast used throughout the poem were very effective. Its amazing how you were able to create such a powerful peice in such few words.
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I love this! Really love the ending. The way you showed that hesitation in the next to last line. As if you're forced to make decisions too quickly and you're thinking "am I really doing this?"
"Icy water / is running through my veins" is such an apt metaphor to describe depression and feeling like you're just stuck in a rut. I feel so that so often, and really haven't come up with any way to better describe it. It literally feels like there is ice sludging through your veins. Makes it hard to breathe, to move, to live.
This reminds me of a quote taken from "White Oleander" (which you should definitely read or watch the movie if you haven't, the main character is an artist) by Janet Fitch: "Loneliness is the human condition".
It is, isn't it? We strive to be social, to be with people, we need connections, we crave it. Yet... there is always a sense of loneliness, because nobody else knows how it feel to be inside our minds, to be us. We are at once part of society and completely individual. That is the tragedy and beauty of being human.
Great write. You should write more 
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Wow.
Wow... I just don't know how to get my words out for this piece. Just wow. Lol. You did amazing, as usual. But I really, really love this piece. Well said and I like the way you end it. Great job! Sorry I didn't comment sooner. XD
Take care -
I love it. I can really relate to your poem. Specially since I need to move on right now. I can relate to all your feelings. My only suggestion is to reduce the ellipsis at the end to three. It would give the poem more meaning if the suspense where much more subtle.
I bitterly loved it!
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Sad.. a sense of ending, finding the strength to begin again. I like it!
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