the letter she'll never get.

dear mom,
i'm not really sure how much this going to accomplish. mostlikely nothing. but someone told me that this is a good method for release. i am doing this to vent. some more. maybe release some anger. and i have a lot of it. i am really very sick of the disappointment. i came here to be with you. you told me to stay with you because you wanted to be there for me. to take care of. i wanted you to be the mother you never were because you abandoned me. you left me. and after all the years of your choosing to be else where doing whatever, i forgave you. because even then being younger, 11 years ago, i knew my mommie needed to be happy. and she wasn't happy, that's why you left. right? i spent 4 years after that in denial of your chosen life style, wishing that you and dad would get back together so we could all be happy. i thought that all you needed was a break, a vacation and we could be together again. i was stupid for thinking that. because i knew that because you liked women, because you were lesbian, that you would never be with dad again. i got over that. but what i couldn't get over was Why you were never around. at first it was fine, we spent the night on weekends. but that was rare. we, my siblings and i, were still there after she left you, and yet you still chose to tuck us in a corner. we were never your main focus. unless you could money for us some way. i remember, yes i do, the arguments you and dad had post-divorce, about letting you claim us, or one of us on your taxes each year. dad always said no because he was the one that really cared for us. though dad was strict and many times unreasonable, he raised us. he went through so much to make sure we were ok. that we got the necessary. you never did any of that. but i forgave you. i think. because it still makes me mad. and sad. he is right, you only think about yourself. you do things for your gain. i bet katina left you because you became a financial burden. she was nice to us, she had sense. at least enough to leave you. mom, you are not a bad person. just poorly misguided. you make poor choices. you don't think. i've told you this several times. my entire childhood was spent trying to understand and/or forget the things you did and why you did them. when you got sent to jail, dad telling was like a dream. it felt so wrong. i really never thought you could do wrong like that. but you could. assist in armed robbery. that's what you did time for. you were behind bars for 2-3, maybe 4 years of my life. that many years i was subject to seeing the woman who gave birth to me, who was supposed to guide me, in prison. every other sunday from about 9am to 2pm. mom. THAT WAS HELL. i hated it. i hated that you were there. but i knew that you had to be there because broke the law. you did wrong. and that broke me. i didn't want to write you, i didn't even really want to talk to you because it was so hard to really accept that you were there and it wasn't a mistake like you tried to make me believe. and this brings me to another memory. when i found out you started smoking. remember that? i yelled at you that smoking was bad and ran back in the apartment and cried. because all those years of red ribbon week told me that smoking could kill you in the long run. you promised you would quit, and you never did. so i learned not to take you seriously when you said "i promise". and tried to tell rikki and jon jon the same. i didnt want you to hurt them like you did me. i tried to protect them from your lies. because they were younger than me it was easier for them to believe, and you knew that. you still to this day promise them shit you know you cant give them. you can never buy back the time, love, or care you never gave them. when rikki told you she thought of you more as a friend then a mother, i know that hurt. but what did you expect? you left when she was 2 or 3. she never really knew you. all she knew of you was the short visitsand the trips to the store where she got what what she wanted. but you were never really a mother figure. for a while all she had was me. until lily came a long. and she may be a bitch, but she's doing the job you that you didnt. mom...i still call you that because for 8 years you were my mom. and out of respect. this past year with you wasn't all bad. just most of it. i'm came here to put an end of your never being around. because i wanted to include you in my life before i went off to college. i wanted you to have a large part of the last year of my formal education. i wanted to spend time with you before i went off to have my own life. to maybe have you give me some wisdom. but i have only your mistakes to learn from. all a year's worth of pain and disappointment...do you know how much you affect me? call it dramatic, but when you call me, before i press accept, i get a headache. when i talk about you and the issues that surround you, i get physically ill. it's ridiculous. it really is. i dont want to live my life like that. i am stuck here in california, because of you. and my wanting to be away fom dad. i basically up-rooted myself from everything i knew, all that was familiar to me, and i moved here. to a place i dont know. a place that became lonely and miserable. i now only have one bright spot in my life, and you know who he is. and with him it's better. everything is better. until you call...until you text. until auntie lynda's texts. and the calls and text bring me down. they remind me that i have a place to go to that is my epitome of miserableness. and it's really all up to me to be positive and forget all the shit you and her put me through. all the stress and the pain and the tears and vomit. though you caused me to be miserable, it's only because i let you. i am your doormat. i am your ticket, your shortcut. your easy way out. i see it and i let it happen. and i cant keep letting it happen if i want to have my own life, and have a happy one. he's right. i have to put my foot down. it's because i still handle these things the same way that they grow on me, and they wear on him. i dont want to lose him. his is the only one i can count on to never hurt me. not like you have. because he promised me he wouldnt. and i believe him. but you see, if i can't let this go. if i don't let you know where i stand, and when i need to walk away, he will leave me. because he can only take so much of the stress that i put him through. and i think we both know it is my ultimate fear. the fear of being left because i am too much and that i couldve fixed, but i let keep happening. it would be my fault. it would be my fault that i let it continue. that i let you use me. but you see, no you don't see. you don't see that it is so hard to do what i need to do about you. because you are my mother. and despite all that you've never done for me, i forgive you for all of it. all of it. it's still hard to listen to him, to them. because i, for some hindering reason, love you so much, seemingly unconditionally. why? why do i love you so much when it seems like you don't love me that much? you have never proven to me how much i really mean to you. you never said you were sorry putting me through this, because in the back of my mind, i think you don't realize it. or you don't care. and it hurts, but only a little, that you would use me, that you would hurt me, for your own gain. and you would think that by now i would be tired of it. and i am. i know what i need to do. i just need to do it. i love you mom, with all of my heart. and as hard as it is going to be...i have to do them. one at a time. i need my life. i need to put truth behind the smiles. i need action behind the words. and i only hope that you will understand. understand that you hurt me, understand that i'm now doing what i need to do because it's time for me to grow up. i'm 19 years old. and yet, i run around acting like a child. trying to make up for the childhood that sucked, hiding from adulthood because i'm afraid to become you or dad. i cant do that for my entire life, i will get no where. i will have no one, no one good for me anyway. and i dont want that. i want to be happy. and i will be. once i take action in the right manner and in the right times. i am stronger than i give myself credit. so i know i can do it. just please don't resent me. please forgive as i have forgiven you. it all i ask. because i know i can't change you and many of the other things in my life. i have yet to really grasp that and not fret over them. i now understand that it isn't really my problem if i dont let it be. so i won't. i love you mom. i really do. and i know if you had a second chance you would use it to be there and redo and do the things you did wrong and things you wish you'd have done.
good night,
nene