dear stephanie,
I write about drugs, alot. I can only think of a couple reason why I do. One of them is because for the longest time, that's all my life was. Another reason is that if I tried to write about anything else I'm scared that it won't make any sense to me. Life has always had a way of doing that, making sure that things are constantly getting mixed up in my head. Sometimes i feel so sad for all the things I've lost or I feel so angry about it. Other times i don't even know what I'm feeling. I'd just shrug it off but lately there's been too much on my shoulders and I've been too weak to get it off. I have a feeling that you can relate with that. You've always been so great at understanding what I'm going through.
One day someone asked me why I was ever addicted to drugs it the first place. I didn't know which way to answer. I wanted to say that after I started, there was really no quitting and stop at that. I swear I did. I should have. Instead, I told them that I liked not having to be myself for a couple hours. I don't like myself very much. I told them that pills were like autumn trees being painted with shades of crimson red and orange. They were like spring rain and firework displays and the starry sky that hangs above me when i look up. They were everything that's warm and fuzzy which made them just that much more unforgettable. I never thought I deserved a feeling so great. I haven't had that feeling in a long time.
Lately, I've been trying to get joy out of simple things. Late night rain storms, pretty flowers, warm home made quilts, and all the other things that i didn't pay attention to before. I still can't find joy in them.
Remember how the other day I hallucinated, too? I swore the ceiling was crawling with bugs trying to escape the sheet of paint over them. I didn't realize at the time that they might not have actually been there, after all. But I've seen too many wrong things in my life to try to make sense of anything anymore. I think you might feel the same way sometimes.
When I was in third grade, my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. You know what it was? A shooting star. A glowing, burning and beautiful shooting star. I wanted people to make wishes on me, not the other way around. I swore I'd make them all come true. My teacher told me that dreams don't come true and that I was stupid for thinking they ever could and for wanting to be something so pointless. I cried for days. I haven't decided what i want to be since. I didn't expect to tell you that, I've only ever told three people that in my whole life.
Stephanie, I hope you know that I've learned that It's possible to be a shooting star and that nothing is impossible. You've become my shooting star for helping me realize that. I wish that one day you find that all the strength you need is inside you, because I truely believe it's there. I wish that you will someday realize that you don't have to have help to overcome your shyness. There is a free spirited, outgoing girl inside you, too. You just have to find her and let her out.
And most of all, I wish that one day that you are so happy that you always feel like your heart could burst out of your chest at any minute, because that's only one percent of the way it felt when I first met you.
Love,
Danielle.
=]
Author notes
I hope it's not too long, dear
h e a r t b e a t s x f a d i n g.
reply to "Dear Danielle"
=]
A contest entry
- "speak in secret alphabets" by whiterabbit..
650 points, ended August 18, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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aw, I really love this soooo much. I can relate to this and understand it so well, which you already knew so it's kind of pointless for me to tell you that.
"Instead, I told them that I liked not having to be myself for a couple hours. I don't like myself very much. I told them that pills were like autumn trees being painted with shades of crimson red and orange. They were like spring rain and firework displays and the starry sky that hangs above me when i look up. They were everything that's warm and fuzzy which made them just that much more unforgettable. I never thought I deserved a feeling so great."
That's such a perfect way to describe it. I feel this all too much. The first sentence of this paragraph is sooo damn true for me. I like not having to be myself for a couple hours.
"But I've seen too many wrong things in my life to try to make sense of anything anymore. I think you might feel the same way sometimes."
I definitely feel that way at times and I've seen too many wrong things as well.
"My teacher told me that dreams don't come true and that I was stupid for thinking they ever could and for wanting to be something so pointless. I cried for days. I haven't decided what i want to be since."
I can relate to that in a way. I didn't have one person tell me something that harsh outright, but there's something that will make me think that dreams don't come true and other thoughts like that at times. I haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up either, though technically I already am grown up. I had dreams once but somewhere along the way I lost them.
The last couple paragraphs made me feel like crying. It was weird because earlier today I was trying to remember the last time I cried for some reason. It's not that nothings happened to make me cry, it's just that I'll numb everything so I don't feel it.
"Stephanie, I hope you know that I've learned that It's possible to be a shooting star and that nothing is impossible. You've become my shooting star for helping me realize that. I wish that one day you find that all the strength you need is inside you, because I truely believe it's there. I wish that you will someday realize that you don't have to have help to over come your shyness. There is a free spirited, outgoing girl inside you, too. You just have to find her and let her out."
That whole paragraph is so hopeful and uplifting. I really love it. I hope I see all that someday too.
"And most of all, I wish that one day that you are so happy that you always feel like your heart could burst out of your chest any minute, because that's only one percent of the way it felt when I first met you."
I love that last paragraph. It's so sweet and just like the last paragraph, there's a feeling of hope in it.
This is amazing hun and I'm so happy you wrote it. I absolutely love it.
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I'm glad you loved it because I feel like since we're so much alike, I could write something that would be true to both of us for the most part. i had a feeling that when it came to pills, if I described it, you would know exactly what i was trying to say. And I'm glad you did.
I have only told my fiance, my mom and you about what my teacher said. It still hasn't taken the bitterness out of it.
You know i'll be there for you to help you see those wishes come true, right? Don't give up, that only makes it harder to do it. If you ever need to borrow strength, you can have some of mine =]
I hope you know how much you mean to some people, never forget it. Ever.
I love you doll
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