why don't we cook for her
grow flowers off the top of our heads for her
sing for her
bring for her
squeeze every last drop of love
out of our hearts for her
then maybe
that
thing
will stop
growing
so big
out the
back
of
her
head.
what can i do
what can i do
to change change
a nickel? a dime?
i will raise it
to make it all
go away
go away
go away
and as my dad said
my mother has CANCER
and it's NOT
going AWAY
it's STAYING
but maybe they
can FIGHT it OFF
for a couple of years?
five?
ten?
not much more because as
the radiologist said,
it's bad.
the worst kind.
and i said NO
NO NO NO
NO NO NO
NO NO NO
and pounded my fists til
they bled and
kicked my feet til
my toes came off and
denied it and tried to
function but
i just can't stop
thinking about
my last couple moments i have with her
and what they might be i am
stuck in this underground of
sadness, this is cancer
seeping into every orifice, every person
somehow
but NO
i will NOT let
it win, i will
pull out weeds until
i can make her
better
[everything's gonna get lighter
even if it never gets better]
i could keep crying
and sniffing over this keyboard
or i could hold her hand
and tell her i love her
and memorize her face
and try to be strong
like my dad
asked me to be.
i am not
a rock.
and i can't believe
this
is
happening
to
me.
Author notes
this is
not
real.
i am
so
completely
not
okay.
i don't know what i'm supposed to do.
i wish i wasn't me
i wish i wasn't me
i wish i wasn't me
yes this is a cry for help
yes i do want a hug
yes
yes
oh, say what you mean
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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despite a different comment that was said, life is also wonderful and beautiful, just like you and your mother are, and sitting and crying in your coffee and visualizing the good things in your life is an exercise in futility compared to the relief that might come from actually basking in those good, beautiful things in life. i love you, my dear, come for a hug any time.
-
=[[[[[[[[[[[[[
UGHH
painful.
i can barely imagine how this would feel.
all i've felt even close to this is losing a friend or ending a relationship and even that isnt so bad cuz i can never get too emotionally deep with anyone. But my mom, she is party of my soul
that hurts so much.
& you cant do anything
that is the worst.
you can only be so strong and nice and helpful like..you are almost dying to people need to be strong for you. everyone is affected by cancer your shoulders are only so big you know? You just need to be tehre for your mom just as you. its gonna hurt and drag on I suppose. i would be so angry and frustrated that this cancer would have to come in and rip up my life like ughhh why.
why why why
but you know like, shit happens and hopefully you will find even more joy later because i think it things balance out in the end.
& you can do this.
really.
<3
-
the rest of us will be rocks for as long as it takes
goddammit i am so sorry. -
what does someone say to this amount of pain?
love.
-
you've got all of michigan rooting for you.<3
-
me too. i mean, what Ali said. this sucks and is horrible. life is like this. it sucks and is horrible. just cry into your coffee and spend time, and visualize the good things in life even when it feels like nothing will ever be good.
-
yes you will get sooo many ali hugs when i come back!
brianna baby please just know that you and your mother and your family are some amazing people. and "god" works in strange ways. this is not fair at all and i know that nothing i am saying can really help. but i also know that you ARE strong and you ARE beautiful and you CAN get through this.
don't hesitate to scream at me for hours when i come back. i will do anything for you babes, you know that.
xxxx
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