to please the men you love.

To please the men you love

Make no mistake. This title will deceive you. When we were young and naïve we did what we were told often without question. This doesn’t always last for more than a few years. As we go older we are given more and more responsibilities. From chores and curfews to borrowing the car. We use the values and beliefs in our everyday life that we learned from our childhood. My father has always praised me and appreciated me for everything I have done. Rather it was dancing in my living room or writing something beautiful or poetic. Because to him they were significant.  I never felt conflicted in my choices because for the most part, my father agreed on every word I said or choice I made. I always and still do take value in the advice he’s given me. So why is it that I find myself disagreeing with him now? The matter is not particularly one of logic or a battle of wits. This is a heart shattering subject. Why? Well the reason being that it tears my heart in two. When I was young I was told boys were icky and mean and as I grew I treated every boy as if they were vile scum. But as I reached higher grades I saw value in them as human beings. Granted I know not every man is perfect, but I know that there is good in some. What my father forgot to teach me was the willingness to look for it in them.  Here is the struggle that I face with him. He hates all men as I am well aware. He approved of the person I am dating now. But why is there constant bickering and anger in his eyes when someone even plays around with something someone has said or done. I fail to see reasons for his hatred, even though I can understand it.  But even more so here lies something that will always be; I have always pleased my father and thusly I have done well in most of what I have done in my life. However I now see an area that I can disappoint him in. And it terrified me. You see my father says that he will hate anyone that I care for or adore in that way. Whoever I marry he will despise. I understand that whoever I fall in love with will represent me leaving him. He seems to think that no one I ever find will be good enough. And to his standards they won’t. So this puts me in a position of inevitable disappointment. I was crushed today by this realization. I feared that I may have to give up the side that pulls at my heart. For there are two parts to this struggle don’t you know?
You see to please my father I would have to give up Josh. but I was searching through my mind as a way to avoid it. And  it killed me because no matter what came up, I found myself hurting the two men I care most about right now. One side is pleased while the other is crushed. On the verge of tears I went to the lake with my best friend and my older sister along with her boyfriend. She asked what was wrong and so I told her. I think this was the best bit of advice I had been given in quite some time.

There comes a point when I must understand I am not perfect, and in attempt to be so will cause me to fall and fail. I know that no matter who I end up with if I end up with someone will not please my father. I need to learn to make decisions based on my conscience and my standards of right and wrong. I am not four anymore and while that kills my father, it can’t be changed. Sometimes our parents concerns reflect their own decisions in life. But the thing is I am nothing like my father was when he was my age. I just need to show him that he has done a good job and he should have faith in his parenting skills…


So my lesson of the day is this. I cannot please everyone …and the battle for the men I adore the most must be learned on my own. If my mother was around perhaps she would be able to shed some light on my father and I. But she’s not so I will make do without her. So I need to follow my head and my heart. Not what others would like to see.