You
Smell of blow spilled onto a sweat-laden tweed coat,
worn thin with an obvious stain
Feel like constant limbo of the heart,
never put out of its misery and never forgiven
Taste just like my morning breath,
after a good time and too many cigarettes
Sound so close to a song I hear,
so long ago that the melody fades away
In the end my heart feels the wrath
of my sweet addiction
I'm addicted to you
Constructive critisism is encouraged!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I love how you use actual addictions, "blow" and "cigarettes," long before you introduce the speaker's. The word choice created a vivid sense experience, using words that were specific enough and original to sting through to the reader: I especially loved "tweed coat," and "limbo" (as one of my favorite words) instantly won my adoration.
I also find it lovely the parallel you made, from "You Smell" to "You Feel" "Taste" and "Sound." Where's "look?"
Which brings me to my next point. The last three lines don't seem to match the tone or quality of the lines before. It lacks in the same level of word choice and character you displayed earlier as well as the theme of these parallel phrases to "you." Perhaps you can use "look" somehow to make a parallel? Maybe the object of the speaker's addiction "looks" like the wrath? That could be interesting and just as gritty as the rest of the poem maybe?
Finally, I love how the poem begins and ends in "you," which affirms and reiterates the true addiction over that of the blow and cigarettes.
Wonderful work here.
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Wow... this is different! I could feel and see and hear and smell everything that you described here - especially the morning breath part (actually, I almost felt like I could TASTE it)! Really great writing! Thanks for sharing!
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Sounds like you don't give her any supernatural powers or talk her up to be a goddess, you give us reality with all her flaws all the things that may be a turn off but still you're addicted. Great work.
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First I want to say thank you so much for sharing!!!!!!! a perfect ending to this poem no doubt I really enjoyed this poem and I am an at ease reader and a hard critic and by that I mean it’s very hard for me to find things wrong with some one else’s poem. I read them to enjoy them, If I were to try to criticize them I would begin to lose interest. Write on, Read on, Rock on!! Awesome write here!!!
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This is beautiful.
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I can definitely relate to this, beautiful work all around, its very well rounded and lovely piece. Thanks so much for sharing!
x
Keep writing -
I dread to think what "blow" might be and what it might smell like! I shall have to go online and see if I can find out, but I am trembling with terror.
The rest of the poem is lyrical and affectionate. I have severe doubts about the concept of morning breath, however. Chacun(e) à son gout!
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