our last days
were thick
and aphotic
poetry became
cadavered words
your name,
the bile rising
in my throat
A contest entry
- quick contest-- mud brown by Cat.
723 points, ended July 21, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critical comments welcomed and encouraged
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Very Real
This has that edgy feel which I love anytime of day... an excellent write congrats on the win.
Lady E
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very effective use of this color... congratulations!
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i like this very much.
would probably not use the title in the body or vice vs.. most likely would adjust the title rather than the body because i think as it is it works quite well..
but it would give you an opportunity to play with the title.. which could be fun...
like.. "things that make me go ewww"
"relationships and other dead things"
"and i'm not whistling your name"
titles are the most fun part of a poem for me.. like the icing on the cake..
really like this piece...
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thank you very much, mary
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raw and intense..excellent
and btw, welcome to the slush
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thank you very much--i am excited about slush
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the disjointed effect of the imagery helps reveal the stark nature of these feelings..something bared and exposed...and raw....wonderful poetry....PK
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Thank you so much--I think that disjointed is the only way I know to write these days (and I am glad it seems to work here)
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oooh, the last three lines were pure gold. Biting poetry at its best, but still sadly bitter. Aphotic... yet another word I had to look up. I either feel really stupid after reading all you brilliant poets, or suddenly very smart for having learned a new word. LOL
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Thank you very much!
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Your poems are beautiful, precise, and they drive me up the wall with jealousy. So I am not surprised to find myself wondering how anyone could come up with this - you have this marvelous gift of using words in ways I've never heard them used, yet instantly I understand the meaning and am moved by it. I wish I could say something more constructive than "I think you meant cadavered", but I can't. God, you're good.
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I did mean cadavered--thank you for pointing that out--"cadavered" is not even really a word ("cadaveric" is, though, but I didn't like the sound of it as much here), yet I can't even manage to spell a non-word right...
Thank you very much for such a wonderful comment--I am not sure I am worthy of it.
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a good write!!
short and to the point as well as artfully said!!! nice!
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thank you
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