this is called breaking

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a girl gave me the world once
but i couldnt lift it.
i couldnt live up to it.
i still wish i could go back and tell her i wasnt ready.
but i wouldnt trade this experience for anything.
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people asked me why i stopped hanging on
i ask them how they still can

do they not feel 3 am pounding in their ears?
does the absence of your body
not crush them from lonliness?
...like it does me...

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last night i called her
i told her that she won,
the game is over; i missed her
she asked who i was
& disconnected when i couldn't answer.

i want to let love in, i really do,
but i'm afraid it won't fit.
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sometimes during thunderstorms the roof rattles and shakes. i've always thought about calling you. we could make words for the roaring and i would laugh like i wasnt scared.instead i hold onto the buzzing in my skin from where you touched me last. i count my eyelashes and think about every wish i want to make for you. im still scared hours later.
i want to know why everything falls into place when your words wrap around me
i want to know why when you leave it all falls apart

i want to know where my sanity went.

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did you know that in the month of may i held hope in my hands? did you know that when she died, i died a little too... how can someone so small break you so hard?

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i'm trying to give you all the reasons why the pieces dont fit. i'm trying to finally show you who i am. but its hard because i dont know for sure. all i know is what i've been through. all i know is my pain. i could show you my light, my happiness, but they belong to someone else.

i want you to take my hand. i want you to pull me in your lap & hold me & just let me cry. dont ask whats wrong, dont ask anything from me.. just let me hurt with you. let me share this with you because i dont think its all going to fit inside anymore. let me explode okay? i dont need to be pieced back together, i just need to let go. i can heal myself. but i cant break alone.

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what brought me back to you was your eyes & how closely they resembled mine. i recognized you from the beginning. i know who you are. i know what its like to hide. i know how exhausting it is to keep trying harder & harder only to find the answers just stay the same. ive given up before too. i dont know if ive ever restarted since then.

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i've always said i'm too young to know what love is. i'm too not ready for the feelings, the butterflies and sun rises and i'm sorrys and shattering glass in your eyes. i don't know if i'll ever be ready. i don't know if i'll ever grow up.